Lois Quote #769
Lois: What book report?
Malcolm: I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow and I haven't even started reading it. [to camera] Standard technique: You volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.
Lois: So, what's the report on?
Malcolm: A Tale of Two Cities.
Lois: Oh, how many words?
Malcolm: 750.
Lois: Was that on your assignment sheet?
Malcolm: No, it's an addendum.
Lois: When did you get that?
Malcolm: Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment. [to camera] Ooh, nice one.
Lois: Well, I suppose if it's school work...
Malcolm: [to camera] That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.
Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
‘Funeral’ Quotes
Quote from Hal
Lois: [to Dewey] What do you mean what happens when you die? You're dead. That's it.
Hal: Now, honey, that's not quite true. Actually, son, after death your body undergoes a fascinating series of changes. First, it bloats up like a balloon, then shrivels like a raisin. Then, tiny microbes you can't even see, but are on you right now, start to devour your flesh and return all the elements in your body back to the soil. Now, some people will tell you that your hair keeps growing, but that's that's a myth. It's actually your head that shrinks.
Lois: Now go get ready for Aunt Helen's funeral.
Quote from Reese
Reese: This thing's an open casket, right?
Malcolm: I think so. Why?
Reese: Because I'm going to stash this with Aunt Helen.
Malcolm: What is that?
Reese: It's a Mighty Man. Mom and Dad had it in their closet for some reason.
Malcolm: It's Dewey's birthday next week. This is his present.
Reese: Oh.
Malcolm: What'd you do to it?
Reese: I stomped on it.
Malcolm: Why would you do that?
Reese: Look, I don't know why I do the things I do. I just know I don't want to get caught. That's why Aunt Helen is getting a new friend.
Malcolm: You're going to bury that with her? You are so dead.
Reese: Hey, I watch lawyer shows. Mom will think I did it but she can't prove it without this. It's in the Constitution: No evidence, no conviction. E pluribus unum.
Quote from Lois
Lois: A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?
Malcolm: Charles Dickens.
Lois: Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.
Malcolm: No, it's Dickens.
Lois: Is that the one with Jean Valjean?
Malcolm: That's Les Miserables.
Lois: No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he's says "It's a far, far better thing I do" right before he steals a loaf of bread?
Malcolm: No. Sidney Carton says that right before they behead him.
Lois: I thought you hadn't read it.
Malcolm: What? No. I said I hadn't written it.
Lois: And when is it due?
Malcolm: Tomorrow, I told you.
Lois: On Les Miserables?
Malcolm: Yes. No! It's on A Tale of Two Cities.
Lois: Which you haven't read.
Malcolm: Right.
Lois: But you just said you did.
Malcolm: No, I-I said I didn't, and then you said... It was Thursday, and...