Abe Quote #46

Quote from Abe in Hal Grieves

Abe: I've got something for Hal that I think may do the trick.
Lois: [sighs] Abe, I thought we were done with this.
Abe: I thought we were, too, Lois, until 3:00 this morning, when I found myself in a collectibles auction site and saw this baby. [Lois is silent as Abe opens the case] Yes, it's a Vulcan lyre with ten pre-programmed Christmas carols. [Christmas music plays]
Lois: Abe, I'm sorry. I know you're trying to help, but this is not what Hal needs. [music stops]
Abe: You're right. I guess I got carried away and lost sight of what got us started in the first place: to hook Hal up with a member of the original cast of Star Trek.
Lois: That's not what got this started. Abe, Hal's father died.
Abe: And I will not let him die in vain. I will call Sulu. I will call Chekhov. And if they say no, so help me, I will call the Gorn.
Lois: Abe, stop. Just stop. I appreciate your trying to help, but I don't need any of this. I'm going to take Hal to a bed and breakfast for a nice weekend, and that's it. He just needs some emotional comfort.
Abe: So you think a weekend of nurturing and sex is going to get him through this? Do you even know this man?!

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 ‘Hal Grieves’ Quotes

Quote from Abe

Abe: Sounds like he needs to talk to someone.
Lois: Abe, thank you! I know he respects you.
Abe: Not me. I don't want to see him cry. He needs to talk to a professional.
Lois: A therapist?
Abe: No, a professional actor. I suggest William Shatner, TV's Captain Kirk.
Lois: What?
Abe: That's who I turn to in a time of need. Lois, there's this wonderful service where they hook up ordinary people with celebrities. You pay a fee, and you get a phone call from your choice of participating TV or movie stars. Well, mostly TV stars.
Lois: And you think this is something Hal would want?
Abe: Absolutely! He's a huge fan of classic Trek. It's not something you share with your wife. Lois, believe me, I don't think I would've gotten through my social anxiety disorder without a few late-night discussions with Agent Mulder. It turns out the truth was right in here.

Quote from Hal

Hal: [on the phone] No, no, no, don't hang up. We've almost made our decision.
Reese: I get three meat toppings for the price of one!
Dewey: No, no! Buy two pizzas, get one free!
Reese: That's two free cheese pizzas! I'd rather eat vomit!
Malcolm: [to camera] The prospect of a deal sends this family into a frenzy. When you throw in pizza, they need me to keep from totally losing perspective. [out loud] Shut up, everyone! Just shut up! If we're not having deep-dish, then I swear I will tear up these "free cheesy bread" coupons right now!
Reese: Damn your cheesy bread! I need toppings!
Dewey: Why don't we just get the stuffed crust special?
Hal: And lose my free bucket of soda? Are you insane?! [on the phone] Now, listen, Dennis, I'm a reasonable man, but I can't go back to my family with a lot of lawyer talk about coupon expiration dates. So why don't we just reduce the two three-fers to two-fers? Five toppings on each, and we'll just grandfather in the wacky wings, okay? No, no, hold on, hold on. This call-waiting guy will not take a hint! [switches line] Hello. I can't talk right now. I- Yes. What?
Malcolm: Dad, come on, you're gonna lose those wings! [Hal hangs up] What?
Hal: My father died.

Quote from Hal

Hal: Wake up, boys! You don't want breakfast to melt!
Dewey: Ice cream?
Hal: Well, last time I checked, you can't have a sundae bar without it. [chuckles] Wake up, Malcolm. [feeds Malcolm]
Malcolm: [splutters] Dad, it's 5:00 in the morning.
Hal: Well, I couldn't sleep until my sons are as happy as I can make them. Today's special, every scoop comes with a hug! And it doesn't stop here. We've got a full day of pick-up basketball in the park, a barbecue, more ice cream, then I thought we'd take a nap underneath a tree, and then catch fireflies.
Dewey: What about school?
Hal: I've got that covered. "Please excuse my son. He has the..." [hands sick notes to Malcolm, Reese and Dewey] flu / explosive diarrhea / a rare bone disease. We may have to get you a cane.
Dewey: Cool!
Malcolm: Does Mom know?
Hal: Please, will you let me worry about your mom, okay? Seriously, though, don't tell her. Now, who wants a ride on top of the car?