TV Quotes

Lois: I don't know what happened. I just lost control of myself. It was like an out-of-body experience, and I was there watching this woman go insane. And the woman was me. But you know what, Hal? I'd do it all over again. It felt great. It was almost worth destroying my car.
Hal: Well, honey, the important thing is no cops were there to see it.
[Reese steps forward]
Lois: No one says a word. This is my one. My one to your 11,000. So, due to unforeseen circumstances, we are now completely broke. Therefore, I am making a proclamation. This will be a handmade Christmas. We're not spending any money on gifts. They will be homemade, and therefore, more personal and more thoughtful.
Reese: But you can't do this!
Hal: Well, I think it's high time we had a handmade Christmas. You boys just don't appreciate the holidays. To you it's nothing but a disgusting orgy of materialism.
Malcolm: But-
Hal: No buts! You're the ones who turned your mother into a ticking time bomb! Oh, you just thank your lucky stars that she went off on an innocent bystander!

Hal: Okay, if we get Reese the walkie-talkies with only two channels, we can move $8.20 from his pile to Dewey's pile. Then Dewey can get the Spider-man figure that sticks to walls.
Lois: We have enough stuff that sticks to walls. Dewey can live with the regular Spider-man. Just make sure that Malcolm's pile has enough in it... Hal, we don't have a pile for Jamie.
Hal: Oh, damn it! You know, Jamie's not even old enough to know it's Christmas. We could-
Lois: Hal.
Hal: All right! But this is ridiculous. $93 to get gifts for four boys.
Lois: Well, it's our own fault. We just weren't frugal enough.
Hal: What else can we do? We're already doing no-electricity Wednesdays, lunch lotteries, "family flush".

Malcolm: [answers phone] Hello.
Francis: Malcolm, listen, I need to know what Mom used to put in the hot tea when we were sick. Is she around?
Malcolm: I think she's changing the sheets on their bed. Grandma and Grandpa are here.
Francis: Oh, you're kidding. So, did they knock, or did you just hear their cloven hooves clatter up the driveway?
Malcolm: I can't be sure, but I think Grandpa spit at me.
Francis: Look, don't take it personally. They're primeval creatures with tiny little hearts.
Malcolm: Yeah, but there must be some reason...
Francis: Malcolm, they have stupid lizard brains. They're threatened by anyone with an ounce of ambition or intelligence. They'd eat you if they had better teeth.

Francis: I got halfway home when I suddenly remembered the time when I was three years old and you were sick - or so you said - and couldn't drive me to Donnie Dinesco's birthday party. So I rode this tricycle two miles in the pouring rain just to get there. Lazy? I think not. Now, I am not leaving until you apologize.
Lois: All you want is an apology? That's it? Well, you should've said so a week ago.
Francis: But...
Lois: I'm hereby officially sorry. Okay?
Francis: No! Not okay! That is not an apology. That's just one of those cleverly designed apologies that sounds like an apology but isn't one. Now you have to apologize for apologizing. And then apologize!
Lois: You know what your problem is? You know why you can't accept my apology? Because you just can't stand to be happy!
Francis: What?!
Lois: You have an addiction to trouble. You need to have chaos in your life. You always have. I mean, look at you. You have a great job, a nice home, a wife, and you can't stand it. You have to come back here and pick a fight with your mother.
Francis: That's not true. I came back here because you've destroyed any chance any of us ever had for happiness.