Marshall Quote #702
Lily: Santa's still a lie, and I'm not lying to our kids.
Marshall: Baby, it's Santa. Don't you want our kids goin' to sleep on Christmas Eve with their hearts full of hope, their heads full of crazy cough syrup nightmares, knowing that downstairs Kris Kringle is stuffing their stockings full of joy and stuffing his belly full of milk and lutefisk that they left him?
Lily: Milk and lutefisk? Santa doesn't get cookies in Minnesota?
Marshall: Yeah, that's just what Santa needs at 3:00 a.m. when he's battling a snowstorm over the Rockies, a sugar crash. No, Santa needs protein.
Quote from Loretta
Loretta: Okay, everyone, lunch is ready. Who wants sloppy joes?
James: Mom, who's Sam Gibbs?
Loretta: [squeals] That doesn't sound familiar. Who wants sloppy joes?
James: There's a picture of me and Barney in an envelope addressed to him. And you wrote "Your son" on the back.
Loretta: Oh, no, that... It says "Yourson." For Yourson, North Dakota. That's where we took the picture. Lovely town. We went kayaking, and you two rescued the mayor's dog, which had wandered into the rapids. Then Mayor Sam Gibbs asked for your pictures so the city could make statues of you both. I guess I never sent it. That's embarrassing. Now, how about those sloppy joes?
James: If this picture was taken in North Dakota, then why is our old swing set in the background?
Loretta: [shouts] I don't know! I did my best as a single parent and it wasn't always easy. And I'd recommend putting the coleslaw right on top of the sloppy joe. Because it's delicious. That's why!
Quote from James
Marshall: Does your mom make stuff like that up a lot?
James: Constantly. I mean, she put more effort into some lies than others.
[flashback to young Barney watching TV:]
Young Barney: Mom, who's my dad? All the other kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?
Loretta: I don't know. That guy.
Robin: Did she tell you that Bob Barker was your dad too?
James: No, no, no. I heard Flip Wilson, Bill Cosby, James Earl Jones, Meadowlark Lemon. The list goes on. I still can't get a straight answer about who my real dad is. And Barney's no help. He still believes every lie that my mom told us growing up. Not me. I caught on early. [to Lily] Careful! Michael Jackson sent me this glove for my 10th... Damn.
Quote from The Final Page (Part 2)
Marshall: Oh, I forgot the lullaby. Do you know Marvin's lullaby? We sing it to him every night.
[flashback to Marshall playing guitar and singing to Marvin with Lily adding percussion:]
Marshall: Night, night, little Marvin Stars twinkle for you [Lily plays chimes] The Dreamland train's a-chuggin' [Lily blows train whistle] All your dreams will come true And the horsie says, "Good night" [Lily plays wood scraper block] And the birdie says, "Good night" [Lily blows bird whistle] And the elephant says, "Good night" [Lily plays tuba] And the skeleton playing his own rib cage Says, "Good Night" [Lily plays xylophone] And the robot says, "Good night"
Lily: [uses a voice-changing megaphone] Good night.
Man: [o.s.] Enough with the damn music!
Marshall: [singing] And Mr. Nesbit says, "Good night" And the whole world says, "Good night" Take it, Mommy.
[Lily plays the violin]
Quote from Bagpipes
Barney: Hey, tiger. How you holding up? Do you need a hug? You want to talk about yesterday? Safe space.
Ted: Barney thinks Lily asking you to wash your dishes right away is a sign your marriage is crumbling.
Marshall: What? Why? Lily likes a clean sink, so I do the dishes right away, what's the big deal?
Barney: I'll tell you what the big deal is. You know how I was always the best at being single?
Barney: Well, now I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.
Marshall: Aw. Look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes, you think you can play with the big boys, adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your mama's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other that would make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but thanks for your concern, rook.