Ted Quote #236
Ted: Okay, here's the plan. Record the game, go to the funeral, pay our respects to Matt...
Ted: Mark, and start watching only an hour late.
Marshall: Okay, that's great, but just to make sure it records, maybe we should bow our heads and say a quiet prayer to the TiVo gods.
Ted: Almighty TiVo, we thank you for all the gifts you have given us: the power to freeze live TV to go take a leak is nothing short of godlike. Let's not forget fast-forwarding through commercials. It seems greedy to ask anything more from you, O magic box, but if you malfunction and miss the Super Bowl, we will destroy you in the alley with baseball bats.
Quote from Barney
Barney: [enters, on the phone] Seriously, that's the last time I'm gonna call you today. Okay. Good-bye. You didn't hang up either! I know! You hang up! You hang up! My bookie. Great guy.
Ted: So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?
Barney: Have I taught you nothing, Ted?
Barney: Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.
Barney: "Of or pertaining to tailors or their trade." Suits are for the living. That's why when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it buck naked. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. What up?!
[Barney holds his hand up for a high-five. A giggling Marshall is the only one to accept]
Quote from Ted
Barney: Unlock me, Ted. I've never gone this long without calling my bookie. He worries.
Ted: Not until game time.
Barney: Where are you going?
Ted: Pick up the hot wings.
Barney: What? How the hell are you planning on getting in and out of a sports bar without seeing the score? There's TVs everywhere.
Ted: Ah, don't worry. I got it all planned out. First of all: I placed duct tape on a pair of sunglasses so I can only see out of two tiny holes. Next, I constructed blinders out of an old cereal box. Top it all off: high-tech noise-reducing headphones I bought when Marshall and Lily first got back together and were doing it a lot. I call it the Sensory Deprivator 5000.
Quote from Marshall
Future Ted: [v.o.] Weeks earlier, Marshall had promised Lily he'd come into her kindergarten class for show-and-tell day.
Lily: And he's a little bit double-jointed. And his favorite animal is the Loch Ness monster.
Marshall: Lily, how many times...? Nessie is a gentle creature. We're trying to stay away from terms like "monster."