Bud: I should have been more open-minded when she wanted to get help. Now I'm a lonely, lonely desperate man.
Tim: Bud, Bud, Bud, you're not desperate.
Bud: Yes, I am.
Tim: No, you're not.
Bud: Yeah. Oh. Hey, Al, you and your mother doing anything tonight?
Al: Just bingo at the senior center. You want to come?
Bud: Love to.
Al: Great.
Tim: [grunts] You can't get more desperate than that.

Randy: Well, I got my story for the paper.
Tim: What's it about?
Randy: Well... It turns out that the cafeteria lady serves a vegetarian casserole with the same ladle she uses to scoop the pork stew.
Tim: [whistles] What are you gonna call it, "Ladle-gate"?
Randy: I'm gonna blow the lid right off that lunchroom, Dad.
Tim: I've done that. Blew the lockers right out of the gymnasium. I blew the librarian right out of the library.

Tim: All right. You know what I think?
Dr. Emory: Not what you think, Tim. What you feel.
Tim: Oh. I feel like Jill's a little demanding sometimes. She just doesn't expect me to know what she feels at a beach, she expects me to know what she feels all the time. And since I don't belong to the Psychic Friends Network, I don't know what she's feeling all the time. She ends up getting mad at me and starts to criticize me.
Jill: How can you say that?
Tim: He asked me to.
Jill: I am not demanding. I am not critical.
Dr. Emory: Jill, there's no need to be defensive.
Jill: I'm not defensive. Am I defensive?
Dave: I'd say so.
Jill: Who asked you?

Randy: Mom, guess what. I got picked to write for the school paper.
Jill: That's great. I used to write for my school paper.
Brad: I didn't know they had printing presses back then.
Jill: They didn't. We wrote by hand and pigeons carried the news from village to village.

Jill: You free Sunday?
Tim: All day. What's up?
Jill: Well, my school is sponsoring an all-day couples therapy workshop. I'd really like us to go.
Tim: Oh! I said, "Sunday, I'm free any day but Sunday".
Jill: Good, 'cause it's actually Saturday.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, I hate when you do that.

Tim: I really don't want to go.
Jill: Now, look, I think this workshop could really benefit our marriage. Look, it's called, "Keeping the Magic Alive".
Tim: Well, what's the matter with our marriage?
Jill: Nothing.
Tim: Nothing? That sounds pretty serious. We better go right now!

Jill: Tim, you go to therapy to prevent things from going wrong, to learn to communicate better. A good marriage needs maintenance. Just like a car.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Jill: You take your Mustang ­to Louie's garage every 3,000 miles.
Tim: Why don't we just go there? At least we get a free air filter.
Jill: I really want to go to this workshop.
Tim: Why don't you go alone?
Jill: "Couple" generally means two people.
Tim: Maybe you'll meet somebody there.

Tim: Now, over the winter you might get a light coat of rust on an open-end wrench or an adjustable wrench like this. The simplest way to take it off there is a little 80-grit sandpaper. Lightly sand and clean it right up.
Al: That's right. You can also use a file, a wire brush or a wonderful bar.
Tim: Now, Big Mike's is what I call a wonderful bar, you know. Four of his rusty nails, you won't care what shape your tools are in. [slurring] I love you, man.
Al: Actually, this cleaning implement is called a "wonderful bar".
Tim: Another wonderful bar is called The Pig's Knuckle in Traverse City. Boy, that place...
Al: Use it like an eraser to polish off the rust on your tools.
Tim: That's great.

Jill: I'm so glad you came.
Tim: Well, I don't want to end up like Bud. Although I certainly would like a domestic staff.

Jill: This is my husband, Tim. This is my friend, Mary Ellen.
Tim: Hi, Mary Ellen. Nice to meet you.
Mary Ellen: Hi. Jill told me you're a little nervous 'cause this is your first workshop.
Tim: Well, the first one without a bench grinder.
Mary Ellen: My husband was nervous his first time, too. But by the end of the first session Dr. Emory had him in the fetal position sobbing like a baby. [walks away]
Tim: [to Jill] What time did you want me picking you up?
Jill: Here, come on. We're gonna sign our names on these name tags. Look, nobody's gonna make you cry. All you have to do is be open and honest.
Tim: All right. [puts on a name tag reading "Al"]