Tim: OK, I'd remarry.
Jill: What kind of woman would it be?
Tim: Well, I guess I'd look for a woman that was alive.
Jill: That would make it easier to get the blood test.
Tim: Maybe I'd... Well, I'd want someone who's a good mom, sensitive and caring, good sense of humor, and loving. You know, because I'd like my second marriage to be a lot better than this one. [runs away]
Jill: I'll haunt you.

Jill: Guys, what are you doing?
Brad & Randy: We're watching the game.
Randy: We're playing sumo wrestlers.
Jill: You can't be watching the game and playing sumo wrestlers at the same time.
Randy: Yes, we can. We're gifted.
Jill: And I am so proud. Now take it outside.

Randy: What else can we shoot across the yard?
Mark: Hi, guys.
Randy: Hey, Mark. Come here. Have you ever played Rocket Man?
Mark: You wanna play with me?
Randy: Well, yeah.
Brad: And guess what.
Mark: What?
Brad: You're gonna be the rocket.
Mark: Cool.
Randy: Now you just stand there and wait.
Brad: And you might wanna put your hands out like Superman.

Jill: No, really. I'm serious about this. What about one of my sisters? You know, Katie or Robin would take them.
Tim: If we gotta give them away, give them to my brother Jeff. The boys love Jeff.
Jill: Well, of course they do, he's the only human being who can belch "The Star-Spangled Banner."

Tim: Anyway, before we say goodbye, Al's got a little project he'd like to talk about.
Al: That's right, Tim. I've recently bought land up near Houghton Lake. I'm building my own log cabin.
Tim: [grunts] Log cabin. Oh, yeah, yeah. A man, a log, and his tools. [grunts] Al comes from pretty hardy pioneer stock.
Al: I do.
Tim: As a matter of fact, we have a picture of the matriarch of the Borland clan, Al's great-great-grandmother, Sal Borland. [Tim holds up a picture of Al as a pioneer woman]

Wilson: Do you guys know what a will is?
Brad: It's a paper that says who's gonna get your stuff when you die.
Randy: Yeah, it's good to have one in case we kill you.

Wilson: You see, Tim, wills are the natural outgrowth of our mortality consciousness.
Tim: Huh?
Wilson: I'm just saying the human being is the only animal, from an early age, that realizes that it's going to die.
Tim: It may know it's going to die, but it doesn't know when.
Wilson: Oh, I wouldn't worry, neighbor. You probably have 50 more good years.
Tim: Or I could die tomorrow.

Jill: Are you thinking about the will?
Tim: No.
Jill: Well, I have been. I've decided that you're right. Maybe we should let your brother Jeff have the kids.
Tim: No.
Jill: They love him.
Tim: Jeff doesn't know how to raise kids. He's demented. He used to put honey on my butt and make me sit in red ant piles.

Tim: [on the phone] OK. I found it. Expiration is 7/93. Right. I want the whole Kasaki set. The super set, right. I get that leather pouch, right? Oh, that just looks like leather? Oh. All right, but I ordered a whole set so I get that titanium cheese slicer too, right? Great. Thank you.

Mark: If you're not gonna die, why do you need a will?
Tim: 'Cause, uh...
Jill: Honey? That's just something that every responsible adult has to do.
Tim: That's what I was gonna say.
Tim: You don't have to worry about that stuff.
Jill: No, you only have to worry about vegetables, and cleaning up your own room, and making sure your brothers don't rocket you over the house.