Mark: But, Mom, they wanted to play with me.
Jill: Mark, when Brad and Randy say they wanna play with you, always ask yourself: "What do they want to do to me?"

Tim: Hello, my lucky little offspring and my even luckier wife.
Jill: Well, you're in a zippy mood.
Tim: I took your advice. Saw Dr. Brody today, got a complete physical.
Jill: Really?
Tim: He said I'm fitter than a Greek god. Just call me Baklava. As a matter of fact, he was so impressed he wanted to know if he could frame my chest x-rays and hang them in the waiting room.
Jill: Good thing he's not a proctologist.

Jill: Now, let me see. Tim's tools... go to his brother Steve.
Tim: No. No, no! No! They don't go to Steve. Don't...
Jill: I thought you weren't participating.
Tim: I'm not participating. My tools are mine. They don't go with anybody. I want to be buried with them.
Jill: Oh, no. You're not being buried. I'm having you cremated.
Tim: No, you're not. Put me in some stupid urn up here on the bookcase? Forget about it.
Jill: No, I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna put you in a mayonnaise jar behind the wing nuts.
Tim: Rinse it out before you pour me in it.

Jill: There is something that we do have to talk about. And that is who is gonna get the kids if we both die.
Randy: [running into the house] Wedgie patrol! Wedgie patrol!
Jill: Hey! Come on. No wedgie patrol.
Tim: Why wait till we're dead? Won't somebody take them now?

Jill: You know, we don't have to itemize. It basically just says that if I die you get everything... and if you die I get everything.
Tim: My stuffs so much cooler than your stuff. If you die, what do I end up with? That weird little pig oven mitt and that blender. If I die, you get the Binford 18-piece chisel and punch set.
Jill: Oh, well, now you see why I'm so desperate to get this down on paper.
Tim: But let's say I die and you remarry a young stud named Paco who's a bullfighter in Mexico. Then what happens?
Jill: I learn Spanish.

Tim: How long have you been working on that cabin, Al?
Al: About four and a half months, Tim. But that's only because I'm doing it the old-fashioned way - the sweat of my brow and an ax.
Tim: A pox on your ax, Al. This is what you need, buddy. [chainsaw motor runs as Tim holds up a picture] You know, the Binford 8200. 82cc's, 42-inch pro bar, silicone pistons, steel bucking spike.
Al: That's fine, Tim, but I'm trying to build it the way my forefathers did.
Tim: But, Al, three out of four fathers recommend this. [chainsaw motor runs]
Al: I prefer the ax, Tim. You power that yourself.
Tim: Fine. Build it the wimpy way, Al. But next time on Tool Time, I'm gonna show everybody just how to use the Binford 8200. [chainsaw motor runs] That way you can all learn how to build your own log condominium.
Al: Well, Tim, I think you should point out that that particular chainsaw is very powerful and dangerous... [chainsaw motor runs] and should not be... [chainsaw motor runs] should not be used without... [chainsaw motor switches on and off]
[Al finally grabs the picture of the chainsaw, rips it in two and signals for the sound to be cut]
Al: This particular chainsaw should not be used without the assistance of a trained... [Tim holds up another picture of the chainsaw]

Jill: Honey, what are you doing?
Tim: I'm working on my hot rod.
Jill: It's 4:30.
Tim: I wanted to get an early start on it today. Did I wake you up?
Jill: No, I'm starting my paper route this morning.

Jill: Tim, what is bothering you?
Tim: Nothing is bothering me.
Jill: Come on, there's something. Is it anything to do with your dad?
Tim: No. It has nothing to do with my dad. I just don't think anybody's qualified to take care of the boys. I guess you and I just can't die.
Jill: You don't think you're being a little irrational?
Tim: Easy for you to say. You're "jolly trail."
Jill: What?
Tim: See, I'm not being irrational. I just know too much. If I were an animal I would be unconscious. Think about that.

Tim: Golly, it's a lot bigger than it looks in the picture, isn't it?
Al: Hope you have life insurance. They don't call it the Widow Maker for nothing.
Tim: W-W-Widow Maker?
Al: That's right. But I'm sure you'll do all right, Tim.
Tim: Al, this would be the perfect project for you.
Al: Tim, it's your show.
Tim: I wonder if your fans would like to see you take the reins of this bad boy. What about it, Al pals? Ha ha! [silence]
Al: You see, Tim, an Al pal's first duty is to watch out for Al. [Al and his fans salute each other]

Tim: Here's a lesson for you kids at home. Always have your coworker do the dangerous stunts. Sure, the girls are gonna think he's cooler, but you'll get the girl in the end because you survived. Remember, safety first.
[As Tim turns around, he bonks his head on the log]