TV Quotes

Jill: Tim, why couldn't you just leave my car alone? Why do you have to obsess about a stupid little scratch? This is just a car. It's a hunk of metal used to haul kids to soccer practice.
Tim: This is not a hunk of metal! This used to be a classic.
Jill: It looks like a giant hot dog bun.

Tim: Look, look, this could've happened to anybody.
Jill: Yeah, anybody who parked under a crane. And what kind of a crane operator drops a three-ton beam anyway? You know, we should just sue that jerk for all he's worth.
Tim: Oh, we don't wanna do that.
Jill: Why not?
Tim: You married him.
Jill: Oh, no. You did this? You mean we've gotta pay for this?
Tim: I'm sure we got some beam-droppage thing in our insurance.

Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".

Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.