Tim Quote #175
Quote from Tim in Yule Better Watch Out
Tim: You know, the only problem I have with Christmas trees, you spend so much time decorating the front of it. You never get to see the back of it. So I got this idea from an old college turntable. Maybe we could motorize this thing. So I used a ten-amp, heavy-duty synchronous motor, triple-reduction gears and a four-to-one final drive...
Al: Well, excuse me, Tim. Are you sure you connected the spur gear to the final drive instead of the motor output shaft?
Tim: AI, I'm insulted. You know who you're talking to?
Al: Yes, I do, Tim.
Tim: There's more than one way to do it, AI. Lisa, plug it in for me.
Lisa: Sure thing, Tim.
Al: Well, it's just that...
Tim: AI, please? [the tree rotates slowly]
Al: Well, son of a gun.
Tim: When you know what you're doing, folks, anything is possible.
[After two flashes and bangs, the tree rotates rapidly sending the ornaments flying off in all directions]
Tim: Incoming!
Home Improvement Quotes
‘Yule Better Watch Out’ Quotes
Quote from Mark
Jill: Actually, honey. I think that those guys at the mall are Santa's helpers, you know. The way that AI is Daddy's helper.
Tim: Right.
Mark: So they do all the work.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: They assist Santa. Like AI assists me.
Mark: Oh, that makes sense.
Quote from Randy
Randy: OK, fine. Here's the truth. There used to be a Santa Claus. But he died six years ago.
Brad: Yep, you just missed out.
Mark: Santa Claus isn't dead.
Randy: Yes, he is. He had a terrible accident with one of his reindeer. Blitzen fell on him.
Mark: He's really dead?
Brad: Kicked the bucket.
Randy: Bought the dirt farm.
Brad: Six feet under.
Randy: Pushing up the daisies.
Brad: Deader than a doornail.
Randy: Stiff as a board.
Brad: Cold as ice.
Randy: Met his maker.
Quote from Wilson
Wilson: Well, who says he doesn't exist, Tim? I believe it was Hamlet who put it best when he said: "There are more things in heaven and earth, good neighbor, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
Tim: But Brad and Randy already said he was dead.
Wilson: Technically, that's true. He died in the year 342.
Tim: Well, then, who's at the mall?
Wilson: Oh, no, Tim. I'm talking about the original Santa Claus. St Nicholas, the bishop of Myra in Asia Minor. He used to go around to the houses of the poor people, on his donkey, with bags of gold, and drop them down the chimney.
Tim: Why would he drop donkeys down the chimney?
Wilson: I'm talking about the bags of gold, Tim.
Tim: Well, hopefully he can put a remote-controlled dinosaur down my chimney for Mark, because the stores are sold out of them.
Wilson: Well, maybe Santa Claus might bring it to him.
Tim: I thought you said Santa was dead.
Wilson: Ah, but Tim, the spirit of Santa lives on. It lives in all of us. Well, I must get back to my chestnuts roasting on an open fire. [chuckles] You know, that reminds me of a song. On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me A partridge in a pear tree On the second day of Christmas...