Tim: I can't even imagine what he's going through, doing all this parenting alone. I mean, without Jill, I couldn't have had the kids.

Heidi: Welcome to Remodeling Week here on Tool Time. Now, here's the star of the show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Thank you, everybody. Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Grateful Tool Man" Taylor, and, of course, you all know my assistant.
[Jazzy music plays as Al walks towards the audience, who are applauding him, and salutes them]
Al: Okay, I'm a perch, I'll bite.
Tim: Well, Tim, it's Remodeling Week.
Al: I know that. Well, I've worn this shirt before, so now I'm re-modeling it. [laughs]

Al: Uh, all right. Well, over the years, we've shown you a lot of different ways to upgrade your home.
Tim: But when the job is big enough, it's time to ask for the expertise of a licensed, bonded, professional contractor.
Al: But finding a good contractor can be, well, as difficult as finding a date to the prom.
Tim: Yes, it can, Al. But this time, your mom won't bail you out. "Al, I can't fit in a limousine. Better use a backhoe."

Al: As I was saying, choosing a good contractor can be a daunting task.
Tim: You gotta ask the right questions. Are you licensed?
Al: Do you have a completion clause?
Tim: Are you using a porta-potty, or just using my front lawn?

Tim: Congratulations, Bill.
Bill: Thank you. Thank you. Now, when do I start the job?
Tim: Job? We're just playing a game here. There's no job.
Bill: I took a whole day off for nothing? I assumed there was a job.
Tim: Well, you know what happens when you assume. [chuckles] Well, what happens is Heidi's gonna tell you what you won.
Heidi: Uh... You won this key ring with a handy can opener.
Tim: There you go.
Heidi: There you go.
Tim: Yeah.
Bill: That's gonna come in real handy 'cause I'm about to open up a can of whoop-ass on the Tool Man.

Marty: Hey, girls, come on. Let's keep this party rolling. I gotta get to work.
Brad: Hey, Uncle Marty, my dad says you have a job in canine nutrition.
Marty: I stack kibble at a dog-food warehouse.

Jill: Children need boundaries, and Marty's not setting any. He lets them stay up as long as they want every night.
Tim: Jill...
Jill: He's not setting any limits on what kind of television they watch.
Tim: He's doing the best job he can. He's going through a separation. For God's sake, the guy can't be with his girls on his birthday. He's counting Snausages.

Jill: We never let our boys ride bikes in the house, birthday or no birthday.
Tim: Their parents are going through a separation.
Jill: Even more reason for them to have rules. They need a grownup to be in charge.
Tim: Huh. They're away from their mom for their birthday. Their dad is tasting liver treats for a living.
Jill: She sweet-talked you, didn't she? She did that thing where she goes, "Please, Uncle Tim?"
Tim: Actually, she went, "Uncle Tim, please!"

Jill: Girls, I'm sorry, but we can't ride bikes inside the house.
Gracie: Okay.
Claire: But Uncle Tim said he'd show me how to pop a wheelie.
Tim: No, no, no, no. You misunderstood me. What I said was, "Later on, we'll put the top on the Healey."
Claire: I want to ride my bike. Please, Uncle Tim?
Tim: Oh, come on. One wheelie.
Jill: We said no to our boys hundreds of times.
Tim: And look what happened to them.

Tim: I think maybe you better back off a little bit.
Jill: Okay, okay. I'll back off if I know that I've got your support if things get, you know, completely out of control.
Tim: If things get completely out of control, you have my support 110%.
Jill: How do you define "completely out of control"?
Tim: I can't define it. I'll know it when I have to clean it up.