Wilson: Well, hi ho, neighbor.
Tim: Hidey ho back at you. You getting ready to knock off a liquor store?
Wilson: No, Tim. I'm experimenting with thermal headgear for my heli-skiing trip.
Tim: Well, I'd rather go skiing in hell with you than stay in this house with my brother.
Wilson: Oh, I didn't think it was Marty who was doing all the screaming.
Tim: No, it was Claire. That girl screams louder than Al's mom when you try to take away her pudding.

Tim: It's impossible to talk to him. You know, I want to help him, but I'm running out of speeches.
Wilson: Well, you know, Tim, as someone whose first impulse is to speechify, I can promise you that isn't always the best solution.
Tim: I know how to get his attention, an atomic wedgie.
Wilson: Well, you could also try it my way. You know, sometimes, Tim, instead of sharing my wisdom, I try to give people the benefit of my experience.
Tim: What experience of mine would be helpful to Marty?
Wilson: Tim, you have helped raise three terrific kids.
Tim: What good would it be to tell Marty how I raised my kids?
Wilson: Well, don't tell him how you did it, just find a way to show him.

Tim: Hey, Marty. You're doing good. Just hang tough, buddy. You'll be all right.
Claire: [shouts] [o.s.] I said I wanna be with Mommy!
Marty: That's it. Time-out's over. I'm going up there.
Tim: Hold on a second. I'll show you what to do. Take the cookie. Break it in half. Right now. Break it in half. Put half in your mouth. Give me the other half.
Marty: Now what?
Tim: Now we go to Legoland and build a bait and tackle shop and forget about this.
Marty: Oh, come on, come on.
Claire: [o.s.] All I want is that dumb, old cookie! [screams]
Marty: She's gonna hate me for the rest of my life.
Tim: I'll be surprised if in an hour she still hates you, okay? Now, I need a worm cooler, all right? Start on that.
Claire: [o.s.] [shouts] I hate it here so much!
Jill: What's going on?
Tim: We're building a bait and tackle shop during an air-raid siren.

Marty: You know, I was never any good at disciplining the kids. Nancy was always the one that had to tell them no. You know, every time they'd start to cry, I'd just...
Jill: Wait, wait, wait. Listen.
Marty: She stopped. Should I go up there?
Tim: No, no, careful. It might be a trap.

Tim: It's all finished. It's the first bait and tackle shop with its built-in lingerie department.
Jill: Huh.
Tim: And a little Tyra Banks out of Lego.

Jill: Gosh, it's so quiet. I'm really proud of Marty for getting through this.
Tim: We're just lucky our boys are through that phase.
Brad: [enters] You know, I hate living in this house. I mean, thanks to you guys, I'm cramped in a stupid little basement with my geeky brother, I've got no privacy, I've got no ventilation and last night, in the middle of his sleep, Mark starts singing a Puff Daddy medley! You know, this is crazy! This is insane! I hate living in this house! Gosh! [exits]
Jill: Well, at least he's potty-trained.

Al: So, without further ado, let's play The Contracting Game.
Heidi: Whoo! Let's meet our contestants!
Al: All right! Contractor number one is an ex-Navy man from Saginaw who enjoys appraisals, electrical work and long walks on the beach.
Heidi: Bill, say hello to Tim.
Bill: Hi, Tim.
Tim: Hey, Bill.
Al: Contractor number two calls himself a trustworthy Taurus who wrote the primmer on primer.
Heidi: Wally, say hello to Tim.
Wally: Hi, Tim.
Tim: Wally.
Al: And contractor number three says he's great at grouting, enjoys fine dining and will paint any surface at the drop of a cloth.
Heidi: Ed, say hello to Tim.
Ed: Hi, Tim. Tim, Tool Time is by far my favorite show.
Tim: I like him already.

Al: All right. Well, we've established that these men are qualified. So let's see how they stand up to the tough questions from The Tool Man.
Tim: Thank you, Al. All right, contractor number three, you say my kitchen work can be done in, uh, what? Six weeks? That's contractor time. What is that in real time?
Ed: Sixteen weeks and not a day more.
Tim: There's something to be said for honesty.
Ed: Okay, 18 weeks.
Tim: Contractor number two, I want to put in a new bathroom. Tile, sink, maybe a Jacuzzi.For 10 grand, can it be done?
Wally: Well, actually, that seems a little low.
Ed: Hey, Tim. Hey, It's Ed, contractor number three. I can do it for nine-five.

Tim: All right, contractor number one, putting a parquet floor in my, uh, dining room. You get a call from the hospital. It's your wife. She's having a baby. Do you finish the floor or race to the hospital?
Bill: Well, Tim, my wife and I have been trying to have a baby for three years.
Tim: I've been trying to have a parquet floor for 10.
Bill: Well, I mean, if you really needed the work done, uh, I guess I'd do it.
Tim: Look at it this way, the floor will probably last longer than the marriage.
Bill: Yeah. Especially now, since my wife is watching.
Al: So the moment of truth has come.
Heidi: Are you going with contractor number one, contractor number two, or contractor number three?
Ed: Hey, Tim, it's Ed again. I would leave my family to do your parquet floor.
Tim: And yet I'm gonna go with contractor number one!

Marty: Jill, the girls' birthday cake is great. What's your secret?
Jill: Gretchen's Bakery. It's that place with the flashing neon lederhosen.
Tim: You know, I always thought Gretchen was selling something else there.