Tim: Come on. Stand up.
Jill: Stand up?
Tim: Stand up. Put your right arm up. Put your left arm... [Jill chuckles] Put your left arm on the tool.
Jill: The wrench?
Tim: The wrench.

Tim: That wrench has gotta be around here someplace. You know, it just didn't get up and walk away, Jill.
Jill: OK, you're right. I'm ready to talk. I sneak down here at night, take all your tools, go out to the backyard, put 'em in a big pile, and dance around 'em naked.
Tim: What time would that be?
Jill: Sometime right after you go to sleep.

Tim: Well, Al, now that we have the fitting in place between the two sections of pipe. What's the next step?
Al: Well, Tim, we'll be sweating the pipe.
Tim: Will we?
Al: That's right.
Tim: So we'll put a little deodorant right there in the elbow?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Tim: It's right over there on the pegboard.
Jill: The pegboard? What's it doing on the pegboard? Shouldn't tape be in a drawer?
Tim: Jill, this is a garage, not Fabric World. In a shop, tape hangs on a hook because it has a hole in it.
Jill: So does your head, but it's not hanging on a hook.

Jill: You don't touch my records.
Tim: Right, because I respect your space. That's your space, your zone. This is my zone, my sacred territory, right here.
Jill: Oh. So, uh, so this tool bench is like your altar?
Tim: This is where I pray to the tool gods. [vocalizes] Oy-eee-ha-ha, ee-ee-ha
Jill: Gosh, I am so moved, I think that I should sing a chorus of "Amazing Wrench."
Tim: Don't do this.
Jill: [sings] Amazing wrench, how sweet the sound [wrench whirs] [laughs]
Tim: Do you hear the laughter, right here?

Tim: We do need heat for this project. And for that we use the Binford Burnblaster 2000 propane torch. Wanna grab the torch, Al?
Al: Yeah. Coming right up, Tim.
[title: "What Al doesn't know is Tim has hidden the torch from him to make an important point."]
Tim: Torch, please, Al.
Al: Uh, uh... Gimme a second, Tim.
Tim: Al? We're on the air. Al, we need that torch.
Al: [o.s.] I'm looking. I'm looking.
Tim: Al, it's a critical part of the show. Thousands of viewers are waiting to see that thing.
Al: I'm trying, dammit. I'm only human.
Tim: Oh, relax. Come on, Al... Oh, look. It's right over here. Folks, this is a demonstration. Don't try this at home. I hid the torch from Al.
Al: You what?
Tim: I, you know, didn't mean to panic you.
Al: You hid the torch?
Tim: To make a point.
Al: And what point would that be, Tim?
Tim: Well, you should always know where your tools are. 'cause otherwise you could get pretty irritated, like you seem to be. Go ahead, light the torch, Al.

Tim: All right, son. This is an ordinary lawn tractor and we have to Tim-Taylorize it. So first we gotta remove this puny 12 1/2-horse Blade-O-Matic motor, 'cause we wanna cut lawn maintenance time way down. So what do we need?
Mark: More power.
Tim: You learn well, my little one. We're gonna replace it with this. Because this is more power.
Mark: Wow.
Tim: Darn right, "wow." This is a twin-cylinder 1600cc motorcycle engine, normally aspirated at 58 horsepower. Your dad has ported and polished it, blueprinted the crank, and balanced it all the way through. Huh? It's got a reverse gear - who needs it? four forward gears and a suicide clutch. On a good, clear day, the ET on this bad boy should be under 15 seconds at quarter of a mile. We can do zero to 60 in under 5.5 seconds.
Mark: You gonna race it?
Tim: You bet. As soon as we install this bad boy, we're gonna enter the Indianapolis 500. By the time the rest of the pack catches us, we'll have won the race and mowed the infield.

Mark: Want me to get you a towel, Dad?
Tim: Why would I want a towel?
Mark: To wipe the grease off your hands.
Tim: Grease is our friend. When you work on heavy-duty machinery, you expect some grease on your hands. As a matter of fact, you like grease all over. Kinda like war paint. [puts grease on Mark's face] Yeah. Chief Spark Plug. [grunts] We're gonna need a variety of tools today, so you wanna make sure you get all your tools lined up within easy reach.
Mark: What's this one?
Tim: Ooh, man. That's my Tolan precision-engineered torque wrench. See the gauge there? Measures pounds per square inch. You use this for all your delicate bolts, like on the engine head, and when you bolt the engine to the chassis.
Mark: Looks old.
Tim: Oh, it's not old. It's experienced. This is the Yoda of my tool bench, right here. Yeah. It's been in my family almost 20 years. My dad gave it to me, and someday I'm gonna give it to you.

Randy: While Brad was watching television, I filled my box up to the top.
Jill: Thank you, Randy. It's nice to know I have one perfect child.
Randy: I do what I can.
Brad: "I filled my box up to the top." [Brad and Randy tussle]
Jill: Hey. Hey. Stop that. If I hear any fighting, there's gonna be liver for dinner. [Brad and Randy scream]

Tim: Why do you always come out here and mess up my tools?
Jill: I'm sorry. I'm just looking for the duck tape.
Tim: It's not "duck" - quack, quack - tape. It's "duct" tape, like "heating duct."
Jill: Well, excuse me. [enunciates] Duct tape.
Tim: Excuse me while I rinse the side of my face off.