Maureen Binford: Come on. Come on. Think big-time Christmas special. Manhattan Transfer. [hums] All the Tool Time gang sitting around the fireplace all cuddly and cozy, sipping cider with cinnamon sticks.
Tim: Put a nail gun to my temple and kill me right now.

Al: Tim, Tim, Tim. Come on. Let's be good, for goodness' sake.
Tim: All right. All right. But I'm driving.
Al: Oh, now, wait a minute, Tim. Tim. Tim! You know, it's against union rules to let an elf drive a sleigh.
Tim: What?
Al: Besides, your legs.
Tim: What about 'em? [looks down]
Al: Well, they're just a little too short. [runs to the snow mobile]

Al: Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas! Join me, Santa, and Tim "The... " "The Elf Man" Taylor for a very special Christmas Tool Time. We'll be kicking off our... We'll be kicking off our annual "Tools for Tots" drive to raise money to build playgrounds in the Detroit area. Helping us out is our very special guest, The Manhattan Transfer. So, until then, on Donner, on Blitzen, on Comet... [coughing]
Tim: What's the matter, Santa? Have you never flown in a blizzard before?
Al: Tim?

Jill: Rooster Man. Rooster Man. There's a whole stack of these.
Tim: It's a great comic.
Jill: Barbarian II. Game Boy. Did you buy 'em this? I didn't buy 'em this.
Tim: No, but I wanted it.
Jill: Did you buy 'em those comics?
Tim: Uh-uh. But I bet Nana gave 'em some Christmas money last weekend. I don't believe it! This is the coolest watch in the world. Time Commander Chronograph.
Jill: What is that doing in Brad's backpack?
Tim: They're my boys. They love me. It's probably my Christmas present.
Jill: How could they afford that?
Tim: Saving their allowance or something. You know, this has three time zones, its own built-in alarm, it's good to 120m underwater. You could be drowning and still know exactly what time it is in Guam.

Tim: Ow! Ornaments, ornaments, ornaments!
Jill: You... You... You sat on a glass reindeer.
Tim: Pull it. Go.
Jill: You got an antler up your butt.
Tim: Pull it out of there!
Jill: Hey, OK. Just stop dancing around. You're gonna get glass all over the floor.
Tim: Well, thanks for your concern.
Jill: Go outside. Outside.
Tim: Come here. Pull this one. You got it outta there?
Jill: Well, I think so. You'll find out when you sit down.

Jill: Well, that's very thoughtful of you, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, Jill, it's all part of the spirit of Christmas giving, which you seem to have instilled in Randy and Brad. The look of joy on their little faces when I gave them that $10 contribution for charity this morning, I was really quite moved.
Jill: Wait a minute. Did you say $10?
Wilson: All the cash I had, Jill. They wouldn't take a check. Well, Feliz Navidad, good neighbors. Off I go a-wassailing, a-wassailing... [exits]
Jill: Did you hear that?
Tim: Sure did. He can't carry a tune at all.

Jill: I found this in Bugsy's drawer. These were in Baby Face's dresser. Wait till I get I get my hands on those...
Tim: And I found this is Brad's little book bag. A locket. Maybe your Christmas present.
Jill: How nice. I can put their little mug shots in it.
Jill: What are we gonna say to them?
Tim: I tell you what I'm gonna say. "The locket goes back. Thanks for the watch."

Tim: Oh, it's gonna be a lot of fun today. We're gonna have a lot of Tim Taylor holiday hints, like putting up outdoor lighting to get your whole neighborhood together.
Al: [o.s.] Ho-ho-ho.
Tim: Don Ho? I don't think so. St. Nick. And I wouldn't be a bit surprised if old St. Nick slid out of this chimney a little later to hand out gifts to the studio audience.
Al: [o.s.] Ho-ho-ho.
Tim: Not yet. Not yet!

Brad: You don't ever play with this, do you, Randy?
Randy: No, not really.
Brad: Me neither. We can give it to the shelter.
Randy: Hey, great idea.
Brad: We don't play with this either. And this is Mark's.
Randy: Dump it.

Jill: Poor Al.
Mark: Al looks mad. What was he saying?
Tim: He was... He was saying, "Merry Christmas and have a happy New Year, Tim."