Tim: Hey, calm down, buddy. Just think about all the fun you'll have at that lesbian festival.
Wilson: It's a Crespian festival. And you're right. I do have to collect myself. I must call my good friend Guillermo and remind him to bring the donuts.
Tim: Donuts! Donuts! That's the answer to my question.
Wilson: What?
Tim: Yeah. Mrs. McCready, the boysenberry filling, the manifold, Al slobbering all over it. It's totally clear right now. Thanks, Wilson!
Wilson: I think somebody's been doing a little celebrating on their own.

Tim: Mustang manifold, something purple and sticky. Lick it.
Al: What?
Tim: Well, you got to make sure it's the right one. Lick it.
Al: Man!
George: Why is he licking the manifold?
Tim: It doesn't make him a bad person.
Al: That's boysenberry, all right. I think we have our evidence.
Tim: You can stop licking it now.

Carl: Hey, wait a minute. I know you.
Tim: No, you don't.
Carl: Yeah. You're The Tool Man. The guy who has all those accidents.
George: Well, you're about to have an even bigger accident. Give me that video camera!
Al: No! Never! Never! Tim, take it! Run! Run, Tim!
Police Officer #1: What's going on here?
Police Officer #2: We got a call from someone named Heidi that there's a problem.
Carl: Oh, no. There's no problem here.
Al: Thank God, you guys are here. These are hardened criminals. I know because I met George in prison.

Tim: We have evidence that these gentlemen are selling stolen car parts.
George: Oh, they don't have squat.
Tim: I got more than squat. I got boysenberry jelly on a manifold.
Police Officer #2: You got a manifold with jelly?
Al: That's right. I ought to know. I licked it.
Tim: This manifold was stolen off my son's car and I've got a videotape to prove it.
Al: Here you go, officers. [laughs] What do you think now, punks?
George: I can't believe I let you borrow my soap.

Tim: I know you didn't want me going down there, but I just couldn't stand the thought of letting those guys get away with it, okay?
Jill: I just... I hate that our kids have to think about this kind of stuff. I don't remember worrying about it when I was growing up.
Tim: You grew up on a military base. Someone steal a car, they'd take a bazooka and form the guy...
Jill: Tim?

Jill: It's just... It's scary out there.
Tim: Well, it's a lot less scary now, thanks to a crime buster and his partner, Pop'n'Fresh.
Jill: Well, I'll tell you one thing, when Brad gets his new car, he is going to have some kind of security system, state-of-the-art, no expense spared.
Tim: Let me guess. It's coming out of my car budget?
Jill: Oh, yeah.

Heidi: Well, we're just about at the end of our segment on car security.
Tim: But before we go, I'd like to show you a super-secret, high-tech alarm system, new from the boys at Binford R and D. See, my kid's car was stolen recently. In order for that not to happen again, we've installed that on his brand-new car here. Al, try breaking in.
Al: Oh, no. I'm not falling for one of your traps again.
Tim: Oh, no? Your paycheck's in the glove box.
Al: Oh, man! [Al shimmies the door open] Well, that wasn't so hard. [enters the car]
Tim: No? Once the perpetrator enters the vehicle without authorization, the car snaps into action, locking the doors and rolling up the windows.
Al: Tim!
Tim: And, finally, before the police arrive, you want to put your thief under a little bit of pressure. I've checked the oil, the fan belt and the master cylinder. [airbag expands]

Tim: Just like the cop said, even if I could go down and find the parts, there's no way I could prove they came from Brad's car.
Jill: Okay. Now you're making some sense.
Tim: What I need to do is take a couple months off of work, grow a beard, get a job on the inside and become one of them.

Brad: [checking out his reflection in the microwave] You know, if I wasn't me, I would hate me.
Jill: Well, I'm not you and I can see your point.

Jill: Oh, man! Who's stinking up my refrigerator with this octopus?
Tim: That's Monique. She's my date for the hockey game.
Jill: Explain to me again why Red Wing fans throw octopi on the ice.
Tim: Because sushi is way too expensive, honey.