Tim: Now, it's time to start dealing. Right, Brad? All right.
Al: Let's meet the owner of this beauty. Let's have a warm Tool Time welcome for Mr. Michael McCready.
Tim: Well, Mike, you did something to your hair, huh?
Thelma: I'm Thelma, Michael's mother. I'm the actual owner of the car. Mikey was just helping me out showing it to you. Oh, here. I brought you kids some homemade jelly donuts.
Al: Well, thank you.
Tim: This is the oldest trick in the book. Send an old lady to soften up the buyer with fresh donuts. I'm on to you, Granny.
Al: I'm sorry, Mrs. McCready. I apologize for Tim's behavior.
Thelma: That's okay. I've seen Tool Time. I know that sometimes he can be a real schmo.

Thelma: Have a donut, Al.
Al: Oh, no. I couldn't. Not while I'm working.
Thelma: Oh, I made them with my special boysenberry filling.
Al: Really? Well, maybe just one.
Tim: Lesson number one. You want to make sure that the seller is honest and trustworthy. Which begs the question, why would a woman who voted for, I'm guessing, Calvin Coolidge be selling a V-8 Mustang?
Thelma: Well, actually, it was my late husband's car.
Tim: Oh, the old late-husband routine, you know. What we're going to hear now is you only drive it to church on Sunday?
Thelma: Oh, no. We took the Trans Am.

Heidi: And now it's time for the all-important negotiation. That's right.
Al: Now, all used cars have a blue book value. Low book is what a dealer might pay for it. High book is what he'd sell it for. Thelma's asking price came right in the middle, $4,000.
Tim: All right. I'll give you $2,500 for it.
Thelma: $2,500? After all the work we put in this car? You take another look under the hood. It's as clean as a whistle.
Al: Well, Tim, it does look pretty clean to me. [Al's donut drips on the motor]
Tim: Well, it was until you slobbered jelly all over it.
Al: Geez, I'm sorry!

Tim: Oh, now it's all dirty. You'll have to knock off a little. How about $2,450? Do we have a deal?
Thelma: No, we do not. And I'm insulted by your offer and your disrespectful attitude. I'm not gonna sell you this car.
Tim: All right, $2,750 and I'll give you a ride home.
Thelma: No deal, Tool Man. I'm taking my wheels and leaving.
Tim: All right. All right. All right. $3,000. And that's my final offer.
Thelma: And here's my final offer. Bite me!

Brad: Dad, you're blowing the deal.
Tim: All right. I'm willing to go to $3,500. $3,500, that's fair.
Thelma: Forget it! Put the spark plug back in and give me my key.
Brad: Please, Mrs. McCready. I really want that car.
Thelma: Oh, you seem like a nice boy. You must take after your mom. All right. I'll let you have it for $2,500.
Tim: All right! See? $2,500 it is.
Thelma: Plus the cost of the donuts.
Tim: Okay. What could they cost?
Thelma: $2,000.

Jill: How's the stew coming?
Mark: I don't know. I've never done this before.
Jill: Oh, well, honey, it's your first time, you know? And that's always kind of... [eats] This is incredible. What did you do?
Mark: Well, you know, I followed the recipe and made sure you didn't touch it.
Jill: Good going.

Tim: [on the phone] Hello, Officer. Yeah. This is Tim Taylor. Well, apparently, my son's car just got stolen at the high school. And I'm giving away free Tool Time tickets to the first group of guys that find it. [faint chuckle] Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me! You know, I fail to see the humor in what I just said.

Brad: I know, Dad. I just can't believe my car is gone, you know? You know, I keep thinking I'm gonna step out that front door and she's gonna be there waiting for me.
Tim: It'll get back to you. Some kids probably just took it for a joy ride. Come on, sit down.
Brad: I know. But, Dad, we put so much work into that car. I mean, what? Didn't we test-drive, like, 15 cars before we decided which one was best for me?
Tim: Well, 16 if you count the Ferrari we drove just for the fun of it.
Brad: So, Dad, have you ever had a car stolen before?
Tim: No. But I've experienced every car disaster known to man. Floods, fires, jockstrap caught in the fan belt. It was a fraternity thing, you know?

Tim: [on the phone] No, listen, Officer, I got this tip from a friend of mine named Eddie. He owns Eddie's Body Shop. He says it's a place called A-1 Salvage that's selling stolen parts. So, I figured you guys got to go down there and check it out. What do you mean, you need a warrant? This is America.

Tim: Hey, Wilson. What are you doing?
Wilson: Well, I'm getting ready to give my honey to a friend.
Tim: She sounds like a very understanding woman.
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, Tim. See, I'm bottling honey to take to a Crespian festival. Did you realize that in Crespia they pay homage to honey because to them it's symbolic of gold?
Tim: How do they celebrate that in Detroit?
Wilson: Well, we have a little honey, and then we get all liquored up and put on funny hats. Do you want to come?
Tim: I'm not in that funny of a mood.