Tim: All right, you're doing a good job there. Do just what I do. Real gentle, easy strokes. Perfect. Looks good. Looks good. Now go against the grain.
Mark: I don't have a grain.
Tim: That means you can go both ways. No, don't shave your lips. Don't do that. Now that's what I call a manly shave. [both grunt]

Jill: What did you do to your hair?
Brad: Nothing.
Jill: Well, then somebody put a curse on you.

Tim: Hey, sharp.
Brad: Like my hair?
Tim: No, I mean it's sharp.
Brad: Funny, Dad.

Tim: Hi, welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim Taylor, your host. Today is a special program, it takes place in my own home. Here's my lovely wife, Jill. And of course. We all know my assistant.
Al: Howdy.
Tim: Doody. [chuckles]

Randy: I think Mom's getting ready to scream again.
Tim: Oh, no, she saw that concrete spill in the hallway?
Randy: No, we made Mark lie on top of it. [Randy and Tim wave to mark]

Tim: Ready to go?
Al: Yep.
Tim: In five, four... Boy, that sausage was spicy. [Al walks away from Tim] Three, two, one. [Al returns] We're in the final step of our bathroom redo, and that's where we install this beautiful whirlpool bath. To do that we take it out of the crate, we march it through this door, on upstairs, and we plumb it with Felix, our plumber. There's Felix right now. Hey.
Felix: Hey, Tim. We can't get the whirlpool up the stairs. Somebody measured it wrong.
Tim: I was the one that... Hey, turn that... Get that off. Cut. Cut.

Tim: Who's calling you so early?
Brad: Joey said Jennifer Sudarsky's gonna call me this morning before school.
Tim: Whoa. First call from a girl. Pretty scary stuff.
Brad: You said it. [phone rings]
Tim: Go for it.
Brad: [answers phone] Hello? Sure. Bye. She wants to sit next to me on the bus.
Tim: Life is good.
Brad: Yes!

Jill: Tim, the stove won't light. What did you do to it?
Tim: Nothing.
Felix: Oh, that was us. We had to shut the gas off.
Tim: Why?
Felix: Well, Tim, you know, when you broke open that water main, we were afraid you hit the gas line too. So we shut them both off to be safe.
Jill: Should we worry?
Felix: No, no, it's not like you're gonna get blown up or something.

Jill: It's even better than I imagined. Oh, Tim.
Tim: Look at this bull-nose tile all along the sink here.
Jill: Ooh.
Tim: And back here I pushed the closet back to give you an inset for your perfume bottles.
Jill: Oh.
Tim: And that's not the best. All chrome-plated brass hinges and fixtures...
Jill: Shh-shh. Let me just enjoy it. Oh, look. This is so lovely with the moonlight. This is the most romantic bathroom on Earth.
Tim: That's not the most romantic part. Watch this. This is truly a woman's bathroom. Seat up. Flush. [the seat lowers]

Mark: [o.s.] Mom, when are you coming out? I'm hungry.
Brad: [o.s.] It's not funny any more, Mom.
Randy: [o.s.] Mom, you've been in there for seven hours. We've run out of bad things to do.
Tim: [o.s.] Boys, clear out. It's time for what now?
Boys: [o.s.] More power!
Tim: [o.s.] All right. [over bullhorn] All right, Mrs. Taylor, we have that whirlpool surrounded. Get outta there! You're turning into a human prune. Now, get outta that tub. Honey, I wait a week, I start dating.