Jill: Which one of these colors do you like?
Tim: Oh, jeez. [sighs] These are different colors?
Jill: Apricot, peach, cantaloupe, loquat and kumquat.
Tim: Well, put them all together, we'll have a fruit salad in the bathroom.
Jill: No, Tim! We gotta live with these colors for the rest of our lives.
Tim: How long could that be?

Al: Well, as you can see, we've taken out our old vanity and sink. And we'll be replacing it with a new double sink model.
Tim: That's right, Al. And we'll be covering that sink and backsplash with this lovely pinkish tile.
Al: I believe that shade is called kumquat. It's ephemeral, yet graceful.
Tim: Just like you, Al.

Tim: We removed the vanity, and I found out I had existing galvanized pipes. I want to redo those with new copper. In order to do that, I have to remove this section of the wall. And for that, I decided to use a 20lb sledge.
Al: Tim, I think you might want to use our sabre saw here to cut out that piece of wall.
Tim: That might make a cleaner, more efficient cutout, but what would be the fun in that? Part of the fun of home remodeling is taking out some aggressions. And there's no better way do that than using a 20lb sledge.

Jill: They broke the mirror, they put the wrong tile in, we got a cement... Oh, whoa, whoa. What is this?
Tim: This is what will make it all worthwhile, your new whirlpool.
Jill: Oh, Tim! It is so beautiful. Look at the color. It's perfect.
Tim: Not to mention seven adjustable jets. Three speeds: low, medium, and "Who needs a man?"

Jill: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get the guys and take it up to the bathroom.
Tim: Well, darn it, Jill. The guys and I decided not to take it right up to the bathroom.
Jill: Well, how are you gonna get it up there?
Tim: See that little spot up there? Further... OK, now. Picture, if you will, looking out of your whirlpool tub through a brand-new greenhouse window. All I gotta do is cut a little hole in the wall there.
Jill: A little hole about the size of this tub?
Tim: Just a little bigger than the tub, actually.
Jill: Tim, how could you order a tub and have no way to get it in the house?
Tim: Because in the catalog they're only like this big.

Tim: [on the phone] Just tell me where the window is. Back-ordered? How many idiots order a greenhouse window in the middle of November? What do you mean, you guess one more?

Jill: Tim, what did you do to the water?
Tim: Nothing, Felix and the crew ran into a technical problem.
Jill: What technical problem?
Tim: I don't know. They had to shut the water off. But I've got it covered, don't worry. I ran a hose from Wilson's yard, now we've got running water.
Jill: This is freezing cold.
Tim: Well, heat it up on the stove.
Jill: Oh, God.
Felix: [enters] Hey, Tim, you know that water main you busted?
Jill: You busted? I thought you said it was a technical problem.
Tim: Technically, I was the problem, Jill.

Wilson: Hi-ho, Tim.
Tim: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: Get your water back on?
Tim: Finally. Here's your end of the hose.
Wilson: Thank you, neighbor. Beautiful night, isn't it? Crisp, clear and cold.
Tim: What are you up to?
Wilson: Just checking the expanding universe, Tim.
Tim: You got a minute?
Wilson: Cut your boosters, Tim. Come in for a landing.

Tim: I did it this time. Jill took the kids, left me, and went to a motel with them.
Wilson: Mm-mm-mm.
Tim: I don't know what gets into me. This started out a simple project to replace a sink. Then I add two sinks and I rip out the wall... Boom, bang, I got pipes everywhere, water flowing out. I got the water main shut off... I can't stop this.
Wilson: Well, Tim, you're probably just responding to the visceral male urge to create.
Tim: Visceral? Vis... Vis... Visceral?
Wilson: Let's just say, "gut need".
Tim: Yeah, that's exactly what it feels like. It's a visceral gut thing. I like to create, Wilson. Everything I do, I want to make bigger and better.

Tim: Thought you and the boys were staying at that motel.
Jill: I was, but every time I went into the bathroom there and looked into the sink and didn't see your shaving stubble, I got depressed. I really missed you. I decided that I'd rather have you and no water than water and no you.
Tim: Now you have us both. The water's on, and here I am.
Jill: I'm sorry I got mad and left.
Tim: That's OK.
Jill: You know, it wasn't you that I was mad at, it was just the remodel.
Tim: No, no. I can't give birth. It's a problem in my gut with a visceral thing. It's really, really hard to explain.
Jill: Don't try.