Al: You know, this was not easy for me to bring up. And I turned that store upside down looking for that darn thing and the fact is it was there when you guys came in and when you left... it was gone.
Tim: Well, I know kids steal things, but my boys steal from you and Harry? Come on.
Al: Things like that happen. Let me tell you a story about my uncle's grocery store. I was holding my mother's hand...
Tim: And this was yesterday?
Al: I was seven years old. And she went off to look for the children's appetite suppressant... And... on the shelf there was a cookie. And I stole it and I ate it.
Tim: OK, so you're saying you think one of my kids ate that knife?

Tim: You how l look at it, the stronger the punishment, the less likelihood is the kid will ever do it again.
Wilson: Well, Tim, many people subscribe to that theory, but I'm reminded of the great Nietzsche.
Tim: Wow. What a linebacker. Green Bay Packers.
Wilson: No. No, no, no, no. Not Ray Nitschke. I'm talking about Friedrich Nietzsche, the philosopher.
Tim: Sure. Freddy. Yeah.
Wilson: Yes. Nietzsche said that punishment often increases the feelings of estrangement and strengthens the power of resistance.
Tim: I think what influenced me more was Fisk.
Wilson: Oh, I didn't know you were a fan of John Fiske, the English historian.
Tim: I'm not. I'm talking about Carlton Fisk, the White Sox catcher. He said if you get caught stealing, throw him out.

Jill: I hate when you do this. The kids do something, you overreact...
Tim: No, you underreact.
Jill: I do not underreact. You go overboard.
Tim: Then you go underboard.
Jill: There's no such word as underboard.

Jill: Honey, I want to talk to you. Look... What you did was wrong. But your father came down on you kind of hard and I thought you might be upset.
Mark: I'm not upset.
Jill: Well, I'd be upset if somebody yelled at me like that. You know, my dad used to yell at me like that. He was an army colonel. He was trained to yell so you could hear him from one end of the base to the other. [Randy bounces his basketball] Randy, can you leave us alone for a few minutes?
Randy: But it's my room.
Jill: I'm trying to tell Mark a story from when I was a little girl.
Randy: I'm outta here.

Tim: Brad, you've always wanted one of these things.
Brad: Yeah. So has Randy. If somebody took it, it was probably him.
Randy: Yeah, right. You're the thief. You're the one who took Dad's hot rod magazine with the babes on the cover.
Tim: What? The Bevy Of Beauties From Chevy? You got that issue?
Brad: Well, Randy took Mom's Victoria's Secret catalog.
Tim: That's mine too.

Jill: And since when are you the only one that makes decisions around here? I thought that we were in this parenting thing together.
Tim: Well, somebody had to deal out punishment and it certainly wasn't gonna be you.
Jill: Oh, I see. I see. So you deal out the punishment and then I'm the one who has to stay and enforce it?
Tim: You wanna work together? That's your part.
Jill: That's one of the stupidest things you've said.
Tim: So what am I supposed to do? Quit work, stay home and enforce his grounding?
Jill: No, I just want you to think about what you say before you say it. And if it's not the right thing to say, then don't say it at all.
Tim: Could you say that again?

Al: So even though it was only one cookie that I stole, the point is I, too, succumbed to temptation. You understand, Mark?
Mark: I think so, but what's an appetite suppressant?
Harry: Something his mother obviously never found.

Tim: I can tune out any woman, any time, as long as I'm watching sports. My wife can be yelling right in my ear. I can watch sports... I can come out with the scores, everything.
Al: Would you like to prove that?
Tim: Sure.
Al: We'll bring out the sports channel, see if he can tune out Deb.
Tim: What do you think about that challenge, huh?
Audience: Yeah!
Tim: Heidi, bring out the TV.
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Al: There you go, Tim. PGA golf.
Deb Selby: [shouts] Timmy! Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy! Timmy! Here, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy! Timmy! Here, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy!
Al: All right, Tim. Well, what did the announcer say?
Tim: What?
Al: The announcer - what did he say?
Deb Selby: This always happens to Steve. He gets a ringing in his ears.
Tim: You're not singing in my rear.

Al: 94, 95, 196 galvanized nails.
Harry: Al, who cares how many nails we got?
Al: To run an efficient business, you should have an accurate inventory. [empties bucket of nails] When was the last time you counted everything in this store?
Harry: Oh, let's see. Including yesterday... never.
Al: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten...
Tim: 13, 12...
Al: Don't.
Harry: 28, 105, 40.

Harry: So what can I do for you today, Tim?
Tim: What?
Harry: You still having trouble with your hearing?
Tim: Herring? I hate fish. When did you start selling fish? Ugh.