Tim: Good night Al. Al? What's the matter, Allie? Woo-hoo? Ah, women troubles again, huh? Come on, tell me. What's the matter?
Al: If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.
Tim: Well, if you won't tell me, how do I know?
Al: Tim, you embarrassed me today.
Tim: Oh, that's no big deal. I always embarrass you. Hey, the audience knows I'm kidding around.
Al: I've gotten used to the fact that you don't respect me.
Tim: That's not true.
Al: But sometimes your constant clowning is a mockery of home improvement.
Tim: A mockery?
Al: Yes, and sometimes it's just a little more than I can bear.

Tim: Oh, come on, Al. You're not gonna cry, are you?
Al: I might. I take my work seriously. All you do is crack jokes.
Tim: Crack jokes? Well, the way you bend over like that, it's easy.
Al: Well, you see, now, that's... that's what I'm talking about.

Tim: Hey, I got an idea, Al. This is one you're gonna like. Next time, why don't you try to host the show, and I'll try to be the assistant?
Al: You really mean that?
Tim: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We'll call it Tool Time, with Al "I Take My Job Seriously" Borland.

Tim: Do you surrender, or more squirts here?
Randy: You're not allowed to squirt water in the house. [Jill walks in behind Tim]
Brad: Yeah, we're gonna tell Mom.
Tim: Ooh, commando's gonna tell his mommy.
Randy: Yeah, you're gonna get in real big trouble.
Tim: Oh, am I? My word against yours, who do you think she's gonna believe?
Jill: Them.
Tim: What you...

Jill: Prisoner, put them up.
Tim: All right, all right, all right. I'm your prisoner. Do what you will to me. Over and over.
Jill: Let's face it, Tim. With you, once it's over, it's over.

Jill: Ta-da! What do you think?
Tim: Wow! Whatever it is, it's one of the finest examples I've ever seen.
Jill: No, no. It's a bowl.
Tim: No, Jill. It's... It's so much more than that.
Jill: [laughs] No, come on. This is not as easy as it looks. This is the first thing I've gotten to stay standing up. I'm so proud of it.

Tim: What's that smell?
Jill: Oh, um, it's some lavender potpourri.
Tim: Lavender potpourri? This is the garage, not the Liberace Museum.

Tim: You remember you promised if you were bothering me you'd leave?
Jill: I'm not bothering you.
Tim: Yes, you are.
Jill: Well, don't be silly. I'm not.
Tim: If I say you're bothering me, you're bothering me.
Jill: Well, then, you leave.
Tim: I'm building my hot rod out here.
Jill: Oh, and I'm just playing with clay.
Tim: Yeah, well...
Jill: Oh, so your stuff is more important than my stuff.
Tim: No, but at least it's garagey stuff. You know, it's cars, it's tools, it's grease. It's not this little artsy... [pokes his finger through Jill's clay] Oh. I can fix this... Hey, look at that.

Brad: What are you doing?
Tim: Nothing.
Randy: Nuh-uh, you're erasing Mom's name from the chart.
Tim: I am not.
Randy: Are too. Why's it say "Ji'?

Tim: Jill is trying to take over my garage.
Wilson: Hmm, I see. A coup de garage. [chuckles]
Tim: She just doesn't understand, it's my garage. It's always been my garage. It's always gonna be my garage. It's my zone. It'll never be her garage, because it's mine, mine, mine. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Wilson: Well, Tim, men are territorial by nature.
Tim: Yeah.
Wilson: When you describe the garage as "yours, yours, yours", Jill's reaction is to protect herself from feeling unwelcome.
Tim: Yeah. I might have said something to make her feel unwelcome.
Wilson: Like what?
Tim: I told her to get out!