Niles: All right, all right. No one panic, there's an easy solution to this. Frasier, bash me on the head with this, we'll tell Maris there was a break-in.

Daphne: Goodness, we've been gone three hours. Probably have a dog with a full bladder in there.
Frasier: Lord, let's hope so.

Martin: Hey, Daphne, how do you feel about taking him for a walk? I just want to get in there and unbuckle my pants, since I wasn't allowed to at the restaurant.
Daphne: Oh, sure. We all know how Eddie needs his exercise. I mean, we wouldn't want all that fatty meat he eats clogging up his aging arteries until his poor old heart gives out.
Martin: Oh and, uh, why don't you pick up some half-and-half at the corner store too?
Daphne: Get moving, old man.

Martin: Well, trust me. I handled domestic disputes for thirty years. The first rule is, don't take sides.
Frasier: Well, it's just a little difficult when it happens to be your own brother.
Martin: Well, that's the second rule. When it's your own family, keep your nose out of their personal problems.

Frasier: Niles, look, just sit down for a second, okay?
Niles: Where, Frasier? Here, in the chair that Maris and I picked out on our honeymoon in Vienna? Or here, where I sit Sunday mornings playing Mahler while Maris dabs at her watercolors? Perhaps here, where we sipped champagne on our last anniversary. Guess that really was our last anniversary.
Frasier: Oh, Niles.

Frasier: Niles, before you make your decision, just make sure that you're remembering things the way they really were. Yes, you bought that chair on your honeymoon in Vienna. But remember, you wanted to buy the chair that you saw in Paris. Yes, you sit at the piano every Sunday morning and play Mahler for Maris. But you hate Mahler! Besides Maris, who doesn't?!

Martin: Look, just give him a little air here...
Frasier: Look, all I'm saying is that along with the good things in your marriage, there were problems. Things you said you couldn't live with anymore. If you want those to change, you have got to stand up to her. If you back down now, you will go through the rest of your life feeling weak and small because you never had the courage to say, "I will not let you treat me like this, Lilith! ... Maris!" Well, I've lost all credibility here. Dad, would you please say something?

Frasier: This is starting to make some sense.
Martin: Well, maybe you should listen to your old man once in a while.
Frasier: I know.
Martin: I mean, I'm not a psychiatrist or anything, I'm just a cop.
Frasier: But a darn good one.
Martin: You're going to talk to Maris, aren't you?
Frasier: I'll be back in an hour.

Niles: I wouldn't mind knowing what you think.
Martin: It doesn't matter what I think. What's important is what you think. Now, if you want to walk up those stairs, we'll support you. If you want to go out that door, we'll support you there, too.
[Niles thinks for a moment and then heads towards the stairs]
Martin: What are you, nuts? You're gonna go up there and grovel to that woman after what she did to you?!
Niles: Actually, I was just going to get my car keys. But thanks for the impartial advice, Dad.

Frasier: Hello? Yes? Niles, Niles, slow down, I can hardly understand you.
Roz: What is it?
Frasier: Maris is missing! [Roz gasps] What? No, I don't think you should drag the koi pond.