Claire: Uh, Frasier, I-I wanted to ask you something. Saturday night, are you free?
Frasier: Only with a coupon.

Frasier: What did you have in mind?
Claire: Well, a bunch of us are throwing a surprise party for Lana. I was wondering if you could bring her.
Frasier: Well, I'm not sure I'm the right person for this. You see, last year Lana and I dated for a brief period, and, uh, well, things just didn't work out. Don't get me wrong, it's not that she isn't a lovely person-
Clerk: Next.
Lana: I don't give a rat's ass about your policy! Get me amanager!
Frasier: Perhaps you could ask someone else.
Claire: Come on, just ask her out as a friend. Once you're there, you can leave... or stay.
Lana: Are you calling me a liar? Don't buy anything here, the service sucks!
Frasier: Well, it is her birthday.

Martin: Oh, don't worry about it. Sounds to me like you guys are still finding your sleeping groove.
Niles: Sleeping groove?
Martin: Yeah. First six months your mother and I were together, we were like Dempsey and Tunney! ... You see, Dempsey and Tunney were-
Niles: Oh, Dad, please, I know a little something about vaudeville.

Niles: All right, well, while he's doing that I just have to pose the question. Who's funnier than Daniel Day-Lewis?

Frasier: So, how are those kids of yours doing?
Lana: Oh, my youngest is good, he's in the ninth grade. But Kirby, if he doesn't pass U.S. history he's not going to graduate.
Frasier: Well, have you considered getting a tutor?
Lana: That's a good idea. You used to do that sort of thing in high school, didn't you?
Frasier: Well, yes, yes, I-I did. And I-I would do it for Kirby in a heartbeat. It's just that I'm asked a lot, and if I helped him I'd have to do it for everyone, and I'd hate to open those floodgates. You understand.
Lana: Yeah. I mean, my ex is the one I should be asking, but that would be a waste of time.
Frasier: He doesn't help out with the kids?
Lana: No, the only kid he has time for is Kathy, his 22-year old receptionist. It's sickening. Mind if I smoke?
Frasier: Well, actually-
Lana: I'll just crack a window.

Claire: I'm a family therapist.
Frasier: Really? You know, I-I sensed we have a lot in common.
Claire: You know, it's funny how things turn out. I started out as a music major, studying the cello.
Frasier: You're a cellist?
Claire: Yes, but psychology is my true calling.
"Spawning fish may leap upstream
for many seasons, yet come
home to stay."
Frasier: Was that a haiku?
Claire: Yes. It's, uh, it's a habit of mine. They just sort of spill out of me.
Frasier: Well, that's amazing.

Roz: Come on, Martin, you've got to have something. Shock me.
Martin: Oh, I don't know, it's kind of personal.
Roz: That's what we're looking for.
Martin: Well, all right, but it doesn't leave this room. Every time I watch "The Sound of Music", I cry. And I don't mean a single manly tear. I mean real blubbering, girl-style. The nuns, those kids, that lonely goatherd.

Roz: These are your deep, dark secrets? This is baby stuff. "Ooh, I dropped my ice cream and I ate it."
Daphne: Okay, let's hear yours, then.
Roz: Oh, you can't handle mine. Let's play "Clue" or something.
Martin: Are you kidding? We can take anything you can dish out. I was in the war, I was a cop, I even worked Vice.
Roz: I don't think so.
Martin: Well, come on, I'll tell you what, whisper it in my ear, and if I think they can handle it I'll tell them.
Roz: OK.
[Roz moves close to Martin and whispers in his ear. His serene, inquisitive smile quickly gives way to a look of shock, then disgust. Martin stands and hurriedly heads out of the room, before turning back to take one more horrified look at Roz]

Frasier: Opus One. That's a delightful little wine. Yes, it's very nice, but this happens to be a Barbaresco Gaja, the greatest Italian red since Roberto Rossellini.

Lana: Kirby needs a passing grade in history.
Frasier: I can't guarantee that.
Lana: No passing grade, no Claire.
Frasier: All right, an hour on Tuesdays.
Lana: Two hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Frasier: Two hours on Tuesdays, no Thursdays.
Lana: Three on Tuesdays.
Frasier: Done. Happy birthday.
Lana: Thank you.