Niles: All right, the most important thing you can do right now is breath deeply. Just do as I do.
Frasier: Are you feeling faint or out of breath?
Niles: Yes, both of those.

Martin: Good. Now, are there any questions?
Niles: Yes, should our meter still be running?

Frasier: Niles, I can't help noticing that your child has a little boo-boo.
Niles: Oh, it's nothing. I was playing him some Brahms the other day. Never too early to ingrain them. I guess I must have begun conducting with one of the gilded chopsticks Maris wears in her bun and I accidentally ran him through.
Frasier: What young parent doesn't tell that story?
Niles: The scuffs were just plain carelessness. It was the fault of my new houseman, Ngee.
Frasier: What did Ghee do?
Niles: No, it's Ngee.
Frasier: Ghee.
Niles: No, no. With the back of the throat, Ngee.
Frasier: Oh, who cares. What did he do?
Niles: Well, he had just given my car the most brilliant shine when I sat the baby on the roof and down it went, down the windshield and onto the driveway.

Frasier: Oh, Niles! I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity, I have to go and steal a get-well card from a kidney patient!

Daphne: So you actually snuck into a man's hospital room and stole his card?
Frasier: I did not sneak in! Luckily, the man was in extreme pain and heavily sedated.

Martin: Well, you better be because no amount of thinking can prepare you for what having a kid is really like. It's hard, full of surprises. Like, maybe your kid won't want to take piano lessons or go to the museum. He might want to go to a baseball game.
Niles: Don't even say that.

Frasier: Niles, what are you doing?
Niles: Looking at these babies. I can't help wondering if I made the right decision.
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Oh, look at them, they're healthy, beautiful, lovable...
Frasier: Flammable.

Martin: Mr. Fancy-pants! He's gotta buy a German car!
Frasier: It's not my fault we broke down.
Martin: Hey, if you bought American, they wouldn't have to tow your car halfway across the state to get it fixed. That's why I always buy American. You break down, you can drive to the nearest garage. I could break down all alone in the middle of Alaska-
Frasier: Finally a thought to raise all our spirits!

Frasier: Now, I don't want you feeling guilty for having your baby in a cab. No, there's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure many great Americans have been born this way. Cab Calloway comes to mind. You know, my particular area of medicine is psychiatry and I like to specialize in the head, you know, not the lower portion of the body. It's much less messy that way. Not that your lower half is messy at all, it's quite beautiful, actually. Not that I'm looking! [she screams] Is the pain that bad?
Arlene: No, you're driving me crazy!

Daphne: Well, your father sure made it sound exciting on the phone. Delivering a baby in a taxi.
Niles: Oh, that. I don't think of that as excitement as much as my sworn duty to use those skills I honed in medical school.
Frasier: Yes, Niles ran down to a falafel stand for a pot of hot water.