Daphne: Is everything okay with your wife?
Niles: Actually, no. She can't get along with any of her nurses. Honestly, I'm at a loss to understand how a reputable hospital can hire nothing but troublemakers.
Frasier: Yes, the Little Sisters of Mercy have always had that reputation.

Martin: Oh, all right, it was worse than any of that. He told people ... I cried at "Brian's Song."
Frasier: Dear God! You always think that's the kind of thing that happens to other people's fathers, not your own.

Frasier: Hello, Linda, I'm listening.
Linda: "Oh, Dr. Crane. My husband and I are right in the middle of a fight. You see, we're on our way to the antique mart, we're obviously lost, but he refuses to stop and ask for directions."
Frasier: Yes, well, Linda, this is a common source of friction among couples. Some men feel the need to be in control, they see asking for help as a sign of weakness.
Linda: "Oh, everybody knows that. Look, the reason I called was to ask how the hell do we get to the antique mart from Cherokee and 14th Street.
Walter: "I don't need any directions! I know where I am!"
Linda: "We're lost, Walter, face it, we're lost!"
Frasier: Well, this isn't normally the kind of advice I give, but let me see. I've lived in Seattle most of my life. Cherokee and 14th, you would want to-
Roz: Uh, Dr. Crane, I've got a map right here.
Frasier: Oh, no thanks, Roz, I don't need any help!

Martin: Thanks, Daphne, you really opened my eyes.
Daphne: I thought I might.
Martin: Yeah, I'm going to march right down to that hospital, buy him a big stuffed animal and then throw my arms around him and never, ever let him go! [blows a raspberry]
Daphne: You really are a hateful old sod, aren't you?

Martin: Listen, Artie and I have a couple of things to talk about so, if you, er, if you'll just wait outside, it'll be a lot easier.
Frasier: Oh, fine, Dad. Anything I can say right now would just be irrelevant. One thing you learn as a therapist is once things are working well between people, anything else you can say would just be... [Martin closes the door on Frasier]

Daphne: What's wrong with Mrs. Crane?
Niles: Oh, it's nothing serious. Cosmetic surgery. Her chin, her lips, her cheeks, her eyelids...
Martin: Maybe it would be faster if you just told us what she's leaving alone.

Niles: Dad, you know who's in the hospital here? Artie Walsh. He's not at all well.
Martin: Yeah, one of the guys told me. They might have to scoop out half of his intestines. Here, taste this meatloaf, it's got just the right amount of chewiness.

Martin: Well, I wasn't crying. Me and Artie were sitting at Duke's watching the movie and I got some pretzel salt in my eye. Artie thought it was the funniest thing in the world. The next thing I know he's telling everybody. Then I become the joke of the department. Other cops left Kleenex on my desk. They called me "Boo-hoo Crane."

Martin: No, there's more to it than that. I mean, Artie always had to have the last word. Always! ... He couldn't leave well enough alone. ... He couldn't let sleeping dogs lie. ... You'd think it was all over and then he'd start
saying something again. Look, can we drop this? Artie obviously still has an attitude and I've got better things
to do than sit around a hospital room taking abuse.

Niles: Are you gonna go see him?
Martin: No, can't think of any good reason why I should.
Frasier: Because he was your best friend for twenty years and now he's sick?
Martin: Hey, he never came to see me when I took that bullet. When I was lying there with stuff flowing in and out of tubes and drains from every bodily opening. [to Niles] At least taste this gravy!