Niles: I'll never be able to face the maid again.
Martin: I don't think it's your face she'll remember.

Frasier: Here we are, Canadian goose down pillow, Egyptian cotton sheets and a nice Vicuna throw in case you get a little chilly during the night.
Niles: How perfect!
Martin: I still say a couple of years in the service would have done you two boys a world of good. Goodnight.

Niles: You know, Frasier, Maris and I have had our difficulties before, but never anything this serious. I really feel terrible having her mad at me. It's times like this I wish I knew how to cry.
Frasier: Well, don't be embarrassed on my account, Niles.
Niles: No, no, it's not that, I'm just not someone who cries, it's not in my nature. When Maris's Uncle Lyle died, I had to shut my hand in the car door just to make a decent showing at the funeral.
Frasier: You're a complex little pirate, aren't you? Well, goodnight, Niles.

Daphne: I know we've only had a few dates, but I'm already exhibiting the three signs of a woman in love: I can't stop thinking about him, I can't eat, and I bought myself all-new underwear.
Martin: We gotta get her a girlfriend to talk to.

Niles: I just got off the phone with Maris. She's in Arizona for the weekend.
Frasier: Why?
Niles: Well, she said she was so shattered by the experience she had to fly to her favorite spa to contemplate the future of our marriage from a mud bath.
Daphne: Well, it'll probably be good for Mrs. Crane. Eric thinks the earth is very grounding.
Niles: Eric, Eric, Eric! Must everything always be about Eric?!

Frasier: Niles., may I suggest that when Maris returns, you both invest some time in some intensive couples' therapy. There's a Reichian group-
Martin: Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Look, all Maris needs to know is that you love her. Buy her some flowers, fix her a nice romantic dinner when she gets back, that's enough to make any woman forgive you.
Niles: You really think that will work?
Martin: If it didn't, you wouldn't be here.

Daphne: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't want to spoil your reunion with Mrs. Crane, but Eric broke up with me.
Niles: He did?
Daphne: Yes. He said he couldn't commit to me and his music. He had to stay focused. I knew it was an excuse - I've heard his music!

Frasier: [recorded message] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening. [beep]
Niles: [to answering machine:] Frasier? Frasier! I'm having a little crisis here. Actually a large crisis. It's no time to screen calls... Damn!

Martin: Hey, slow down! You're going to miss the turn onto Roosevelt.
Frasier: Dad, I let you come along strictly on the agreement that you would not give directions.
Martin: I'm not giving directions, I'm just telling you which way's faster.
Frasier: Roosevelt'll add ten minutes.
Martin: In sunshine. In rain it's faster!
Frasier: Oh what, spatial relationships change when it rains?!
Martin: No, you've just got better traction on Roosevelt. Of course, you wouldn't have to worry about that if you'd gotten all-weather tires like I told you to, but no, you had to have the fancy German thing...

Niles: Sometimes the strongest feelings come from the promise of what might happen. Just the anticipation is enough to make all the little hairs on your neck stand on end.
Daphne: Dr. Crane.
Niles: Yes, Daphne?
Daphne: We're losing the fire.
Niles: No, we're not. It's burning with the heat of a thousand suns!
Daphne: But it's down to its last embers.
Niles: Well then, I'll put some wood on it.