Marie: Raymond, you never read Tom Sawyer?
Ray: Well, all right, I didn't. So what?
Marie: You never read Tom Sawyer?!
Ray: And you never read Legendary Running Backs of the NFL.
Marie: That's sports.
Ray: That's right, Ma, a sports book. A sports book! That's because that's what I liked! All this stuff they make you do in school, that's what they think is important. I did- I read what I wanted to, and look at me. I am someone who did not read Tom Sawyer, and yet I did not turn out to be a hobo.

Ray: Ahem. Hi. Uh, thank you. All right. Wow. Uh, I was up all night goin' over the material, and, uh... Well, I just got a few things to say. You know, when I was a kid, I always thought that we had too much homework. And, um, since I hated all the homework, I started to hate learning. In fact, what I learned to do more than anything else was to avoid the work. I'm sorry to say I still try to avoid it whenever I can. Just ask my wife. Uh... But, you know, it seems to me like the kids today, they've got 10 times the homework that we had. You know? And I don't want my daughter to hate learning. I want her to be curious and thoughtful and get excited about new ideas. And most of all, and I think this is what we want for all our kids, I want her to be happy. I mean, I think there's homework that's important and everything, and then I think there's overload. I mean, are we piling it on? We're so worried about the kids won't be competitive and our kids won't have a future, that we're takin' away their present. Anyway, so, you know, maybe we can just keep that in mind. 'Cause isn't that the kind of school that we want our children to be at? I mean in. I mean of. I mean a part of. I mean, isn't that... Isn't that the kind of school that we want our children to be a part of? In.
Board Member: [to teacher] And you wanted to cut down on the English homework.

Marie: Obviously you just did enough work to get by. And now you're proud of it.
Ray: Well, yeah! I am proud of it! All those sports books I read and all the sports I watched on TV, that's how I got to be where I'm at.
Marie: "That's how I got to be where I'm at"?
Ray: Yeah. That's right.
Marie: You're a writer, and that's how you use the English language?
Ray: What? What are you talkin' about?
Marie: You do not end a sentence with "at."
Ray: All right, big deal, I ended it with a proposition.
Marie: Preposition, it's a prep - Oh, my God!
Ray: What? What are you getting so upset about?
Marie: Because this is the end of civilization! People like you don't want to work or learn anything because they're too busy with their remote control television or playing with their hula-hoops! And before you know it, that's where we're at!

Marie: Wait a minute, Raymond. You have some work, too.
Ray: "Tom Sawyer."
Marie: You need to read that.
Ray: No, Mom, I told you, I don't.
Marie: Yes, you do. I read "Legendary Running Backs of the NFL."
Ray: Yeah, right.
Marie: Poor Gale Sayers. First to lose a friend like Brian Piccolo, and then to have a career cut short because of all his knee injuries. Go. Read.
Ray: You probably just read the one chapter.
Marie: Jim Brown averaged 5.2 yards per carry for his entire career.
Ray: Damn you.

Debra: Come on! What are you doin'?
Ray: Sorry to disturb you, Your Highness. But while you were up here reading your latest kiss-handsome-boys book and rubbing lotion on your bunions, the peasants were downstairs tryin' to build an ocean in a shoebox.
Debra: Are you complaining?
Ray: Am I complaining? I just did homework for two hours.
Debra: Well, then I guess that makes the score three million to two.

Robert: You're right, Debra, I'm sorry. Hey, come on. Cubby, you can't play video games if you haven't finished your homework.
Ray: I'm gonna get to it.
Debra: When?
Robert: You know, Raymond, every day at the end of my shift, I have a mountain of paperwork. And you know when I do it?
Ray: When you're supposed to be out buying nose-hair clippers?
Robert: I do it right away. Because there is no worse feeling than when you've put something off to the last second, and it's getting dark, and the clock is ticking, and you realize you're never gonna make it.
Ray: Go. Get outta here. Get outta here!
Robert: All right. Very well. But just so you won't be distracted, I'm gonna take this little item with me.
Ray: It's not yours!
Robert: This way you can get all your work done. By tomorrow morning I shall be the greatest zombie hunter of all time.

Marie: Sure. I can help you with this, Raymond. It doesn't seem all that difficult.
Ray: I know, it's just I didn't think there would be so much. And it's already 10:30, and of course, Debra never wants to help me.
Marie: That's all right. That's what mothers are for. But maybe next time you'll be a little more responsible and do things on time so I could be proud of you.
Ray: I'm sorry.

Debra: Look, Ray, they told us that Ally was gonna get a lot more homework in the fifth grade. I'm gonna need more help from you now.
Ray: Aw, are you kidding? Come on, I was down there all night!
Debra: This is what we do. It's called being a parent.
Ray: Well, maybe I don't wanna be called that. It's just... It's just, she has too much homework. Did you see how many books she has to carry? She's gonna be a hunchback.

Ray: All right, all right, I'll get started. But I'm just gonna tell 'em to cut everything in half because it's too much.
Debra: You can't just tell 'em to cut things, you have to give them reasons. You have to fill out all those evaluation forms.
Ray: No way! You have to help me.
Debra: Listen, I have done four loads of laundry, paid all the bills, put three kids to bed. I have done my job, you do yours. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna go to sleep. Good night.
Ray: Just so you know, you could have had sex tonight. It was gonna be good. All new stuff.

Marie: We need to do this properly. Now, if you're going to explain "Tom Sawyer," which of these would you recommend to the school board, and why? [Ray is silent]
Frank: You never read "Tom Sawyer," did ya?
Ray: Well, yes, I did.
Frank: What's it about?
Ray: A boy. Named Tom Sawyer. Eat your pie.