Celia: Why do I have to go?
Ray: I don't know.
Celia: But why?
Ray: Because I said so! Huh? That was big when I was a kid.

Ray: Look, just let me handle it, all right? Ally, I'm gonna give you to the count of three. If you don't start picking up your toys, no TV for a week.
Frank: Geez.
Robert: Oh, no.
Ray: One... Two. I'm not kidding. One, two... This is it. Two-and-a-half. Two-and-three-quarters. Let me tell you something, Ally. I don't know any more fractions, okay?

Celia: Let's just say I'm your daughter and I refuse to go to visit Grandma on her birthday.
Ray: Well, in this case, I happen to know Grandma, and I can't say I blame you.

Debra: Okay, I know that you feel that making you shovel is unfair.
Ray: Yes. Because I have to shovel the snow, I have to take out the garbage, I have to load the dishwasher, while you're up in bed not sleeping with Daddy.
Debra: Well, we all have chores we don't like to do.

Frank: Maybe you can take a class on that. I gotta go to grand parenting class at 3:00. [all laugh] Today we're learning "got your nose" and "pull my finger."
Ray: Make sure you don't miss the seminar on moving to Florida.

Marie: Grandma's got some candy for a girl who cleans up.
Ray: No. No candy, Mom. Come on. Mom, you don't pay her upfront.
Marie: Just watch. All right, now, honey, clean up, sweetheart.
Ally: No!
Marie: What? Candy always worked. I don't know what Debra's done to this child.

Marie: What's wrong with you? How can you yell at your child in front of other people? Don't you know how humiliating that can be? [exits]
Ray: I hate you.

Ray: Look, when a kid misbehaves, you take away something that's important to her. What would you have done?
Debra: Honestly, I have no idea.
Ray: Well, then I think we shouldn't dump on the people who have ideas.
Debra: Okay, here's an idea, then. "Parent Effectiveness Training. Coping with your child's behavioral challenges."
Ray: Where did you get this?
Debra: They were sticking them on the windshield at Chuck E. Cheese's.

Celia: So if you've ruled out any medical problem, and your child is still wetting the bed he may be trying to tell you something.
Ray: He's telling you, "l have to pee."

Ray: Listen, Ma, when you were baby-sitting, did you change the twins' pajamas?
Marie: Yeah. They're over here. I wanted to treat some of those old spots.
Ray: We have a washing machine, Ma.
Marie: Yeah, I know, but stubborn stains need special care.