Marie: Frank, what the hell is this?
Frank: I'm not ready for ice cream yet.
Marie: This is our tax refund check. It was stuck to the bottom of the ice cream. You've been on my back for a month, telling me that I lost it. I'm not the one who eats ice cream in this house.
Frank: Oh, you eat ice cream.
Marie: Tofutti. I eat Tofutti.
Frank: You tell your friends you eat Tofutti, but then you eat my ice cream. Take a look at the Tofutti. There's not a dent in the Tofutti.
Marie: If I do eat ice cream, and I'm not saying that I do, I put it in a bowl like a person, not on the table where it gets stuck to an important check that somebody accuses me of losing.

Ray: Hey, lucky pants.
Debra: Thank you very much, Ray.
Ray: You're welcome. What did I do?
Ray: You know, I haven't had a minute to myself all day. You know, when you take TV away from Ally, you're punishing me, too.
Debra: You know what my day was like? It went something like this: "l wanna watch TV. " "No." "l wanna watch TV." "No." "l wanna watch TV." "No." Lunch. "l wanna watch TV." "No." "l wanna watch TV." "No." "Hey, lucky pants."
Ray: That's me. That's where I came in.
Debra: Yeah, what are you gonna do for me next, Ray? Take away her nap time?

Ray: Okay, daughter. You have to go to Grandma's house.
Celia: I'm not going.
Ray: Well, you have to go. It's her birthday.
Celia: I hate when you make me do things!
Ray: Look, I'm not making you go, okay? It's Grandma's birthday. There aren't gonna be many more of them.
Celia: Oh, mmm. I'm gonna stop you just for a second, Ray. I don't think at this point, we need to discuss Grandma's mortality.
Debra: What are you doing, Ray?
Ray: I'm playing the game.

Debra: Okay, here. This is perfect. You're 12 years old, and you refuse to shovel the snow off the driveway. Ray, could you please shovel the driveway?
Ray: No.
Debra: Okay, I understand, because shoveling the snow can be hard.
Ray: Yes, so why are you asking?
Debra: Because you're a member of this family and we help each other.
Ray: Yeah. Tough noogies.
Debra: All right, time-out.
Ray: What?
Debra: Time-out! Are you being Ray, the little kid or Ray, the big ass?
Ray: I'd like to be both.

Ray: Okay, I read to Ally.
Debra: Oh, thanks for putting her to bed for me, Ray. It's been a really long day.
Ray: Yeah, I read her Rapunzel.
Debra: Oh, good for you.
Ray: Yeah? I don't know. Kidding around, I said, if you live in a tower and there's no shampoo and your hair gets long enough to climb on, it might get disgusting.
Debra: Yeah?
Ray: So Ally wants a haircut.
Debra: Well, we'll get her a haircut.
Ray: Now.
Debra: Ray, don't tell me I have to go-
Ally: I'm ready, Mommy.
Ray: I gave her a dollar to tip you with. Act surprised.

Debra: Okay, Ally. Daddy's going to be home any minute with dinner, so let's clean up. [Ally doesn't respond] Sweetie, why don't you take all your dolls off the table and wash your hands, okay?
Ally: Grandma, look.
Debra: Ally, please clean up.
Marie: Oh, isn't that nice? What's this one, a streetwalker?
Debra: No, she's an aerobics instructor, Marie. She's dressed for the gym. Ally, can you look at me? Are you having trouble listening?

Ray: Time to go home now.
Frank: Hey, I'm watching the game.
Ray: I think they're beaming it into your house, too, Dad.
Robert: Dad's taping Channel 5 over there.
Ray: Why? Why? What's on 5?
Robert: He wants to catch that commercial for the chicken restaurant.
Ray: Oh, the one where it's so good, the chicken goes there to eat it?
Frank: I'm dying to see it.

Debra: Ally, I'm done asking you. I want the toys picked up now.
Ally: No!
Debra: If you don't do what I'm telling you, you can forget about dessert.
Frank: Ooh, no dessert.
Ally: I don't want any stupid dessert.
Marie: Oh, my.
Frank: Sure you do.
Debra: Ray, I can't take this anymore. Could you handle it, please?
Ray: Okay, I got it. All right. Ally, wash your hands and do what Mommy- Don't make Mommy mad.
Ally: No.
Ray: Look, you have to do what Mommy says.
Ally: Why?
Ray: 'Cause I do.

Ray: Come on. Look, we don't need classes. We're great parents.
Debra: All right, you're a great parent, and I'm your lovely assistant. I don't feel like a great parent. Great parents don't find themselves in the supermarket going: "We don't throw plums." I need a class. We need a class.
Ray: A parenting class? That's supposed to come natural. That would be like taking a smelling class.
Debra: So you have nothing to learn here?
Ray: Come on. My mom and dad never took a parenting class. [Debra stares at Ray] I'm signing them up for this.

Celia: Ray, if I say to you, "l hate when you make me do things" perhaps you could acknowledge my feelings by saying something like, "You feel you don't have any control over our plans." You understand?
Ray: That doesn't sound like something I would say.