Robert: What's up with you?
Frank: You guys have got to get your wives out of my house. They're over there looking at furniture catalogs. I told Marie, "At your age, you shouldn't be looking at any furniture, unless it has a lid."

Frank: Ah, they all got their secrets. You wanna know a good one about your mother?
Ray: No, no, no. We got the game.
Robert: Don't need to hear it.
Frank: You know your mother's famous homemade marinara sauce? On more than one occasion... store-bought.
Ray: No! No! No way!
Frank: Yes. When she's in a rush, out of the jar, my friends.
Robert: This is huge!
Ray: Well! So, it's "homemade" if you live in aisle six at Waldbaum's.

Ray: Still, you think somebody's a hateful jerk-face, you've got to tell 'em. I have feelings too.
Robert: Hateful jerk-face. Feel better?
Ray: You see? You made me a hateful jerk-face.
Debra: You know, Amy, Ray's right. How am I supposed to know I upset you if you don't say anything to me? I mean, come on, I'm supposed to be your best friend!
Robert: What about me? I'm supposed to be her husband! I'm your husband! Don't you know, after all these years, to tell me immediately when Raymond screws up? You page me at work!

Marie: Oh, all right! All right! A lot of things have been said, and I have no problem facing the truth, however painful it might be. Now, about my sauce... Frank, tell them you're a liar.
Frank: What?
Marie: You ever want to eat again?
Frank: I lied. I'm a crazy old man who lies.

Ray: You sure?
Robert: I'm telling you, for apple pie, 21 seconds... You'll be very happy.
[After Ray turns the microwave on, he turns sideways and cups his groin with his hands. Robert notices Ray and does the same. Frank enters, sees his two sons doing this, and does the same.]
Frank: What's goin' on?
Ray: Just heatin' up pie.
Frank: I'll have some, but wash your hands first.

Amy: No, now, here's the sweetest thing: Every night since our wedding, Robert gives me a little massage.
Debra: Oh, wow! You are so lucky.
Amy: Yeah. Although he kind of doesn't know his own strength and sometimes when he squeezes, I feel like I'm being juiced. But it's very thoughtful.
Linda: Can't you just tell him to lighten up a little?
Amy: I don't have the heart. Plus, I usually black out before I can say anything.

Linda: My Bernie does cute things too. Like, every night, he shuffles in in his pajamas, he kneels by the bed, and prays.
Amy: Aw.
Debra: You know, when Ray kneels by the bed, it's not so much praying as begging.

Debra: No. No, Ray is pretty sweet himself. The other night, when I woke up, he was whimpering in his sleep.
Amy: Really?
Debra: Yeah.And then he said, "Choo-choo gone."
Amy: Aw. "Choo-choo gone." How adorable is that?
Debra: He woke up and was really embarrassed, but he told me he was having a dream that he was in the park with his mommy, and the kiddie train left before he got on.
Linda: Oh! I am such a sucker for that little-boy thing in men. It's so endearing.
Frank: [enters] Where's Marie? I lost my shoe.

Ray: Come on, Robert. You didn't play that bad, all right? I was just awesome.
Robert: Thanks. You always know just what to say.
Ray: What are you worried about? It's not like anybody saw you. You were in the woods the whole time.
Robert: So you just invited me in to insult me, is that it?
Ray: Yes. And to offer you a mixed-berry juice box.
Robert: Hmm. I do like mixed berry.
Ray: Here, I'll put the straw in for you. I know you won't be able to get it anywhere near the hole.
Robert: I can do it myself! Goodbye!

Ray: Anyway, then I had to make up the whole train thing 'cause the wife was there.
Frank: Ah, they're always there.
Ray: I didn't know Debra was gonna go blabbing it. I don't get it. You know, she has nothing better to do than to talk about my personal life?
Debra: Raymond, Raymond, Raymond. That just shows the surprising naivete on your part. For, you see, it is always the nature of the female to gather with other females...
Frank: And screech like a tree full of Chinese monkeys.