Norm Quote #997
Quote from Norm in Heeeeere's... Cliffy!
Norm: Excuse me, buddy. Uh, could I talk to you for a minute?
Cue Card Guy: What do you need?
Norm: Um, how would you like to make a couple hundred bucks?
Cue Card Guy: What are you talking about?
Norm: A friend of mine wrote this joke, and I was wondering if you could, uh, sort of slip it into Johnny Carson's monologue.
Cue Card Guy: Oh, sure, we do it all the time. Most of Johnny's jokes come from folks just like yourself in the audience who offer us money.
Norm: I admit it's, it's a bad joke, but the guy's entire existence is riding on this.
Cue Card Guy: This is a bad joke? I mean a sure clunker? Johnny will definitely bomb with this?
Norm: I'm afraid so, yeah.
Cue Card Guy: Well, I'm out of work in a month anyway. [chuckles] Jay Leno has his own people. Let me see the joke.
Norm: Oh, great, thank you so much. How much can I give you, huh?
Cue Card Guy: Ah, don't worry about it. Just buy me a beer after the show.
Norm: [hugs the guy] Wherever you go, people are the same.
Cheers Quotes
‘Heeeeere's... Cliffy!’ Quotes
Quote from Cliff
Johnny Carson: Doc is so old...
Cliff: Oh, my God, here it comes.
All: How old is he?
Cliff: Yes.
Johnny Carson: ...when he was a kid he never blew out candles on a birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet. [audience groans] Ooh, stay where you are. Fortunately, folks, in a situation like this, the, uh, the band has instructions to come over and form a human barrier in front of a star. How did that line get on the cue cards anyway? I should have done that joke with one of those big blue dots covering my face. Who wrote that joke anyway?
Cliff: I- I wrote that joke and it was great.
Johnny Carson: Pardon me?
Cliff: The problem wasn't the joke, the problem was you. You botched it. You botched my joke, Johnny Carson!
Norm: Sit down, please.
Cliff: I'm not going to sit down! I wrote that joke. Get your hands off me. Is this the way you treat your talent, Carson?! [gets dragged away by security]
Johnny Carson: Ladies and gentlemen, the president of NBC. [applause]
Quote from Sam
Woody: Do you think I'm supposed to marry Kelly, Sam? I mean, do you think that's what the plan is for me?
Sam: You getting cold feet, buddy?
Woody: Well, yeah, it is a little chilly up here, but I'm trying to talk philosophical.
Sam: Yeah, I think you should marry her. You guys are in love, man. That's the best. [sighs] You know, sometimes I don't think I'll ever find someone. I thought Diane was going to be the one, but it turns out she wasn't. Which was lucky for me because if she had been I just would have ended up killing her and dying in the electric chair.
Woody: That is lucky.
Quote from Lilith
Norm: "Mr. Clavin, thank you very much for your submission to The Tonight Show. We will not be using your material. Enclosed is your submission."
Paul: Hey, what was it this time? Let me put my beer down, I don't want it coming through my nose.
Norm: "Today is Doc Severinsen's birthday. You know, Doc is so old, when he was a kid he never blew out candles on his birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet." [Lilith laughs]
Frasier: Lilith! You can't possibly be laughing at that terrible joke.
Lilith: You don't find humor in the exaggeration of a contemporary man predating an event which took place 45,000 years ago?
Frasier: Well, had Cliff phrased it like that, sure, hellzapoppin.