Dick: We can lie on our taxes.
Tommy: I can't believe that no human has ever thought of this before.
Sally: Okay, wait a second, you guys. What if we get caught?
Dick: How can we get caught? All those other dopes out there are telling the truth about their taxes. They're just going to assume that we are, too.
Tommy: Hey, check this out. You can get a deduction for having a home business.
Dick: Really? Then it's a good thing that you run one here, Sally.
Sally: Yes, Dick, it sure is.

Dick: All right. Form 1040. First name: Dick. Last name: Solomon. And Mary said this would be complicated.
Sally: Dick, this is so boring. Why are we doing it?
Dick: Because, Sally, this is what humans do. It's like their national pastime. And you don't want us to stand out.
Harry: Hey. You know what would be funny? Where it says sex, write "frequently."
Sally: That's a good one, Harry!
Tommy: That is funny.
Dick: They don't ask for your sex here.
Harry: Well, if there's anyplace you can indicate that you like to have frequent sex, I think it's worth doing.

Dick: Oh, that's it Mary. Crunch those numbers. Crunch 'em good.
Mary: So you subtract line 64 from 56-
Dick: Yes, now deduct my pants.
Mary: Dick, I think you're gonna want to keep your pants on.
Dick: Why is that?
Mary: Because you're about to lose your shirt.
Dick: And so are you.
Mary: You owe $9,500!
Dick: What?! You bitch!
Mary: You didn't pay any taxes. What did you expect?
Dick: Well, I certainly didn't expect my girlfriend to wear my ass as a snowshoe!