Dick: What is this obsession with Claire Volk and her signature? It can't be healthy. It can't be healthy!
Mary: Claire Volk's first book taught me to love myself during some really rough times. She's a fully actualized person with so much to share.
Dick: There are two things I'm certain about: she is not fully actualized, and I don't know what that means.
Nina: There isn't a human being alive that couldn't benefit from this book.
Dick: Here, let me see it. A Road Map for Permanent Happiness. I'll give the intro a skim and get back to you with my thoughts. Baloney. Crap. Nonsense. More crap. Interesting. Hmm.
Claire Volk: Next?
Mary: Hi. I'm Mary Albright, and I have been waiting a long time-
Dick: [pushes Mary out of the way] Miss Volk, in the last few feet of this line, you have changed my life forever!
Claire Volk: Would you like me to sign your book?
Dick: Book nothing! Sign my breast! And see if you can use the nipple to dot the "I."

Harry: Well, it's not every day Dick gives me an assignment, and I want to put my heart and soul into it, make it a labor of love.
Nina: Harry, it's a ceiling. Pick a color and slap it on.
Harry: I can't just pick and color! It has to speak to me. It has to reflect the golden rays of sunlight off my Cheerios in the morning. Or stir my interest as I stare up at it while Dick's talking.

Dick: Mary, you'll be happy to know that I'm deep into Step 2. I have successfully eliminated all the negative relationships in my life: Judith, Strudwick, the Chancellor. I've even stopped yelling at the little voice that comes out of the clown's head when I'm at the drive-through.