Frankie: [v.o.] How did I end up in a standoff with Mike? We'd always been on the same page when it came to... Well, just about everything. Except Caddyshack. [flashback to Mike laughing at the gopher scene]
Mike: Thanks for the backup, pal.
Frankie: Listen, there are all different kinds of backup, Mike. Like when your partner loses his mind and you got to step in and knock some freakin' sense into him. You remember the time you grew the Tom Selleck mustache, and I had to shave it off in your sleep? Backup.
Mike: So Axl walks with more of a sense of entitlement than he already had? We were this close, Frankie. This close.
Frankie: To getting robbed in our sleep.

Frankie: [v.o.] Yep, everything was as it should be. I had a commission, a door. They even gave me my own desk. I was Frankie Heck, sales mom. Look out, world.

Frankie: [v.o.] Being a parent is a lot like being a cop in a bad part of town. When you're up against a felon, or in our case, teenager, it's good to know you got backup.
Frankie: Mike? I have had it with him. He won't get out of bed. He leaves his dirty dishes in the hall. I ask him to do anything, I get... [rolls eyes]
Mike: Well, he had a game last night. He's probably tired.
Frankie: Don't make excuses for him. I need you to back me up here, Mike.
Mike: Okay, yes, I will do that. I will back you up. Just say the word. Just say, "Mike, I'm weak. I can't control my child. I need your supreme parenting skills."
Frankie: Will you just kick his ass, please?
Mike: I'm going in. Axl, I'm gonna count to three. One, two... [closes the door] Hey, buddy. Heck of a game last night. Anyway, I think you better get up, get ready for school. And try not to set off your mom like that, okay? Don't poke the bear. The bear's stressed out and tired. And, uh, take this plate to the kitchen for me, will you? Thanks, pal. [opens door] And I mean it.

Mike: Hey, how was work? How's...? Oh, no. Is it school picture time again? Damn it. Why do they do this year after year? This kid...
Frankie: I know. She's having it retaken.

Mike: Is that Axl's plate from this morning on the floor?
Frankie: At least it made it into the kitchen.
Mike: Hang on. What are you doing?
Frankie: I can't get into another battle with him today, Mike. I am exhausted. You know, picture day and everything.
Mike: Nope. You told him to clean up his mess. I told him to clean up his mess. He's gonna clean up his mess.
Frankie: [yawns] Well, call me if you need backup.

Mike: Okay, you say the word and we will back off.
Frankie: What is the word? I'll say it right now.
Mike: There's no word. We're not backing off.
Frankie: Fine. You are so stubborn. I'll be at work. [walks out] Imagine me slamming the door.

Lou: Unbelievable. Still no sugar cubes.
Frankie: It's weird. [nervous chuckle]
Frankie: Pretty warm in there, huh?
Lou: Oh, the heat's not that bad. The stench is what's hard to take. It smells like a rotting carcass shoved up the butt of a rotting carcass.
Frankie: So pretty unpleasant, I'm guessing.
Lou: On the plus side, the legs are stiff from dried sweat, so you can black out in here and, bam, you're still standing.
Pete: Hmm. How about that? You two are just about the same size.

Frankie: [v.o.] Day seven without a door. Or was it day nine? I had lost track, and the feeling in my fingertips.
Sue: Can I turn up the heat?
Frankie: Dad says no.
Sue: But I have to take my picture tomorrow and I'm gonna have a red nose.
Frankie: I said I support your father, and I support your father.

Frankie: Who the hell are you?
Man: We wanted to talk to you about the kingdom of Jehovah. There was no door.
Frankie: Yes, I know. You know who'd love to talk to you? And please do bring all your pamphlets. My husband. He's out in the garage.

Man: [over PA] Attention, all customers. Half-hour left in our Fall Madness Sale.
Frankie: Okay, Wayne. What do you think? I can only offer you this deal for another 30 minutes.
Man: [over PA] Attention, all customers. The Winter Madness Sale starts in 30 minutes.
Wayne: Yeah, I don't know. I'll have to think about it. Maybe I'll check back next week. Thanks.
Frankie: [v.o.] So that was that. Bob had made a sale, and I was still the only one left at zero. I guess we knew who'd be wearing the dog suit.
Bob: [mouths] I'm sorry.