Fred: You know, Phil, it sounds to me like you don't think my town is good enough for you and your ritzy friends.
Will: Hey, man, why you ain't tell me you invited the Ritzy's?
Philip: Fred, let me simplify this for you. Now, ha, ha, if flying out here is a problem for you and your guests don't worry about it, it's on me.
Fred: I'm gonna be on you too if you keep throwing your money in my face, you fat cat.
Will: Okay. Ding, ding, ding! All sumo wrestlers to the showers!
Fred: I'll have you know, I put $10,000 aside for this wedding.
Philip: Oh, please, that wouldn't even cover the invitations.
Will: Okay, okay. [singing] Kumbaya, my lord Everybody! [singing] Kumbaya

[fantasy:]
Shantay: I'm sorry, dear. Did you want something?
Will: Yes, I'd like to know what pods these kids came from.
Shaquille: Actually, Father, we came from a zygote. You see, in human reproduction...
Will: Uh, knock it off. Ever since you won that Nobel Prize you think you're so doggone smart.
Shantay: Honey, you seem tense.
Will: I am tense. Everybody all perfect, baby, I don't know.
Shantay: Why don't I send the children away and dress up in that French maid's uniform and give you a nice hot-oil massage?
Will: You, you, you! Why must everything always be about you? What about my needs?
Shantay: I'm sorry, honey. What do you want?
Will: I want a girl with extensions in her hair and bamboo earrings, at least two pair. I want kids that pick their noses sometimes and roll me when I'm drunk. I mean, I want a dirty house. No, I want a dirty house. I want to argue in public, you know. I want you to have a headache sometime. I want a regular life. I want a regular marriage.
Shantay: Sweetheart, you seem upset. Let's all give Daddy a great big hug.
Will: No! No!