Fez: "Dear President Jimmy Carter. The following is a list of reasons why I, Fez, should be allowed to stay in your great country. Number one: I have never gone number one on your beautiful soil. Number two: I have never gone number two on your- Wait. Scratch that. Number two: "Fez" is also a word for a hat. Uncle Sam wears a hat. Coincidence? [chuckles] Yes. Three, where else am I going to live? France? [bleep] France."