Jerry: All right, okay. We're in the apartment watching TV.
George: Where are you sitting?
Jerry: On the couch.
George: Next to each other?
Jerry: No, separated.
George: Time?
Jerry: About eleven.
George: Okay, go ahead.
Jerry: So she's flipping around the TV, and she gets to the naked station.
George: Oh, see, that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face.

George: What about jewelry? That's a nice birthday gift.
Jerry: No, no. I have to be very careful here. I don't want to send the wrong message. Especially after the other night.
George: Maybe I'll get her some jewelry.
Jerry: No, no. You can't get her anything better than me. Whatever I spend, you have to spend half.
George: What am I supposed to get, a bazooka?
Jerry: You don't understand. I'm in a very delicate position. Whatever I give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason... When a man is driving down that freeway, the woman he's involved with is like an exit. But he doesn't want to get out. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is, like, "Look. Gas, food, lodging. That's our exit. That's everything we need to be happy. Get out, here, now!" But the man is focusing on the sign underneath which says, "Next exit, 27 miles." And he thinks, "I can make it."

[stand-up]
Jerry: I was watching women in the department stores the other day, trying on clothes. And I've noticed that they do it differently from men. Women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes, you see? They take a dress off the rack, and they hold it up against themself. They can tell something from this. They stick one leg way out 'cause they need to know, if some day I'm one-legged, and at a forty-five degree angle, what am I gonna wear? You never see a man do that. You never see a guy take a suit off the rack, put his head in the neck, and go, "What do you think about this suit? I think I'll get it. Yeah, it looks fine. Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants, I wanna make sure. Yeah, perfect. And what if I'm walking? Move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes."

Jerry: But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something.
Elaine: Huh.
Jerry: For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and vice versa.
Elaine: Right.
Jerry: But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call.
Elaine: Well why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. No call the day after that.
Jerry: Beautiful. Let's make it a rule.
Elaine: All right, sir.
Jerry: Now, here's another little rule. When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.
Elaine: Okay, okay. Rule number two, spending the night is optional!
Jerry: Well, now we're getting somewhere.

George: What's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on land, or was he just restricted to water?
Jerry: No, I think I saw him on land a couple times. So how's the job situation going?
George: Still looking. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?
Jerry: Nothing much. I slept with Elaine last night.
George: Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major.
Jerry: I thought you'd like that.
George: Oh, this is huge!
Jerry: I know.
George: All right, okay. Let's go, details.
Jerry: No, I can't do details.
George: You wha?
Jerry: I can't give details.
George: No details?
Jerry: I'm not in the mood.
George: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now, you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well, you get in the mood!

George: This is all too much. So what are you feeling? What's going on? Are you like a couple again now?
Jerry: Not exactly.
George: Not exactly. What does that mean?
Jerry: Well, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be able to do this once in a while and still be friends. [George laughs hysterically and stands up out of his seat]
Jerry: What?
George: Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible. It can't be done. Thousands of years people have been trying to have their cake and eat it too. So all of a sudden the two of you are going to come along and do it. Where do you get the ego? [sits down] No one can do it. It can't be done.
Jerry: I think we've worked out a system.
George: Oh, you know what you're like? You're like a pathetic gambler. You're one of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack.

Jerry: No, this is very advanced. We've designed at set of rules that we can maintain the friendship by advancing all of the relationship pitfalls.
George: Sure, all right. Tell me the rules.
Jerry: Okay. No calls the next day.
George: So you have the sex, next day, you don't have to call. That's pretty good. Go ahead.
Jerry: You ready for the second one?
George: I have tell you, I'm pretty impressed with the first one.
Jerry: Spending the night. Optional.
George: No, you see? You got greedy.
Jerry: No, that's the rule. It's optional.
George: I know less about women than anyone in the world. But one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. I could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little army cot this wide. You're not going anywhere.
Jerry: I think you're wrong.
George: I hope I am.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I had to buy a gift for someone. The hardest part to me is that card. That card is a killer. I never know what it's supposed to say. And it's getting so tough because the relationships are getting so complicated. Greeting card companies now put out cards that are blank on the inside. Nothing. No message. I mean, it's like the card company says, "We give up. You think of something." You know? "For 75 cents, I don't want to get involved."

Jerry: Maybe you won't like it.
Elaine: Oh, how could I not like it? Of course I'll like it.
Jerry: You could not like it.
Elaine: Just the fact that you remembered means everything.
Jerry: Of course I remembered. You reminded me everyday for two months. Oh, the card.
[Elaine unwraps a box, opens it up and removes a bow-tied ribbon of cash]
Elaine: Cash?
Jerry: What do you think?
Elaine: You got me cash?
Jerry: Well, this way I figure you can go out and get yourself whatever you want. No good?
Elaine: Who are you, my uncle?
Jerry: Hey, come on. That's $182 right there. I don't think that's anything to sneeze at.
Elaine: Let me see the card. "To a wonderful girl, a great pal... and more."