George: What about jewelry? That's a nice birthday gift.
Jerry: No, no. I have to be very careful here. I don't want to send the wrong message. Especially after the other night.
George: Maybe I'll get her some jewelry.
Jerry: No, no. You can't get her anything better than me. Whatever I spend, you have to spend half.
George: What am I supposed to get, a bazooka?
Jerry: You don't understand. I'm in a very delicate position. Whatever I give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason... When a man is driving down that freeway, the woman he's involved with is like an exit. But he doesn't want to get out. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is, like, "Look. Gas, food, lodging. That's our exit. That's everything we need to be happy. Get out, here, now!" But the man is focusing on the sign underneath which says, "Next exit, 27 miles." And he thinks, "I can make it."

[stand-up]
Jerry: I was watching women in the department stores the other day, trying on clothes. And I've noticed that they do it differently from men. Women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes, you see? They take a dress off the rack, and they hold it up against themself. They can tell something from this. They stick one leg way out 'cause they need to know, if some day I'm one-legged, and at a forty-five degree angle, what am I gonna wear? You never see a man do that. You never see a guy take a suit off the rack, put his head in the neck, and go, "What do you think about this suit? I think I'll get it. Yeah, it looks fine. Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants, I wanna make sure. Yeah, perfect. And what if I'm walking? Move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes."