Jerry: So, George, how do I beat this lie detector?
George: I'm sorry, Jerry, I can't help you.
Jerry: Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.
George: Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavarotti, "Teach me to sing like you."
Jerry: All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this.
George: Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie if you believe it.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The whole concept of the wanted poster has gotta be the most wildly optimistic crime-fighting idea. I mean, so how does it work? Okay. I'm on line at the post office. I see the guy. I see the list of offenses. I check the guy standing in line behind me. If it's not him, that's pretty much all I can do. Okay? It's not that I don't want to help. You know the annoying thing is, why didn't they hold on to this guy when they're taking his picture? "No, we don't do it that way. We take their picture and we let them go. That's how we get the front and side shot. The front is his face. The side is him leaving."

Jerry: Not conversion. You're thinking conversion?
Elaine: Well, it did occur to me.
Jerry: You think you can get him to just change teams? He's not going to suddenly switch sides. Forget about it.
Elaine: Why? Is it irrevocable?
Jerry: Because when you join that team it's not a whim. He likes his team. He's set with that team.
Elaine: We've got a good team.
Jerry: Yeah, we do. We do have a good team.
Elaine: Well, why can't he play for us?
Jerry: They're only comfortable with their equipment.