Mike: Did you just hit my dad?
Phoebe: Yes. I'm sorry. I've never met a boyfriend's parents before.
Mike: But, I mean, you have met humans before, right?

Monica: Now, in regards to the toasts, okay, you wanna keep them short. Nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. Okay. You just get in, do your thing, and get out.
Mike: Is that what you say to Chandler?
Monica: It's 2101, and I am not amused.

Bitsy: Please, darling, let's be honest. You can have all the sailor fun you want with that one. But let's be real.
Mike: All right, stop. All Phoebe has done is try and get you to like her. Maybe it's not clear but she did her best. And yeah, She's a little different than you are.
Bitsy: Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth.
Mike: So what? I mean, if I can get past that, it shouldn't bother you. And you don't have to like her, you just have to accept the fact that I do. I mean, if you can't even be civil to the woman I love-
Bitsy: The woman you what?
Phoebe: Yeah, the woman you what?
Mike: The woman I love. I love you. Which is probably something I shouldn't say for the first time in front of my parents and Tom and Sue. Who are, by the way, the most sinfully boring people I've ever met in my life.