Jess: Oh, my God. You've been cat fishing Schmidt. Do you think we could use this whole Michael Keaton thing to turn Schmidt around?
Nick: Absolutely.
Jess: Great!
Nick: But I won't do it.
Winston: Why not?
Nick: Because I put it to bed, okay? It's over. He'll do anything Keaton says. The letters are too powerful. I'm lying to my best friend. And I also feel like I'm betraying the real Keaton, who I really love.
Jess: Well, then why did you tell me that whole story, Nick?
Nick: Because it's a great story, and I'm a teller of stories. But I won't do it. Sorry.
Winston: You think you tell that story better than me? Look, you leave out way too many details, man. You don't just say he was chewing a candy bar. You say he was chewing on a nougat-y candy bar.
Nick: [o.s.] That's not the kind of writer I am. I don't say words like "nougat-y." I'm simple. I'm like Hemingway.