Hal Quote #564
Quote from Hal in Reese Joins the Army: Part 1
[In the morning, Hal walks out of the house with his briefcase and climbs into the car:]
Agent Stone: Buckle up. [Hal gasps] I'm Agent Stone. This is Agent Scurry. We're from the FBI.
Hal: I thought it was just a squirrel. That's why I kept going. God, if I could have that day back, I would give anything...
Agent Stone: Sir, this is about the company you work for. In the last eight months we've filed 230 criminal indictments. People are flying into jail cells. It's beautiful. Except for your department. But we're just about ready to pounce on Ken Wixted.
Hal: Ken Wixted?
Agent Stone: We've got him dead-to-rights. We just need you to confirm a couple of key details. Did you ever see Ken Wixted change the numbers on a Section 13B filing after it was signed by the company auditors?
Hal: What? No.
Agent Stone: Did he ever mention, maybe in passing, anything about an offshore account in the Cayman Islands, or a villa? Anything about a villa?
Hal: I don't think so.
Agent Stone: Hal, we really, really need you to search your memory. Think hard about whether you're remembering right, or whether you should change your answer to yes.
Hal: Do you want me to lie?
Agent Stone: We're just asking if you'd like to confirm what everybody already knows, or whether you'd like to provoke the full fury of the United States government. Now, can you swing by my kid's school? I forgot to give him his lunch.
Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
‘Reese Joins the Army: Part 1’ Quotes
Quote from Reese
Sgt. Hendrix: Well, troop, you've polished your boots before everyone else. How on God's good earth did you accomplish that miracle?
Reese: I just did it exactly the way you told me to. Remove laces, pull tongue forward, apply polish, pull tongue backward, buff, replace laces, repeat. I did the same thing to make my bed and secure my foot locker.
Sgt. Hendrix: Well, that's the most miraculous turnaround that I've ever seen. I want you to explain to these recruits how the worst soldier in the unit has managed to put them all to shame!
Reese: I just stopped thinking. I figured out that using my brain was the whole problem... not just here, but my entire life. If I just do exactly what I'm told and nothing else, then everything gets easy. It's not even a question of smart or dumb. You just turn yourself into a tool. I'm much happier that way. I'm the world's happiest tool.
Sgt. Hendrix: You must be proud of yourself, son.
Reese: I don't know if I am or not. I'm waiting for you to tell me.
Sgt. Hendrix: My God. A soldier like you comes along once in a thousand years.
Quote from Hal
Lois: Oh, Jamie finally fell asleep. Haven't you finished paying these bills yet?
Hal: How am I supposed to know which ones to blow off? "Ultimate Final Notice" is obviously more serious than "Absolute Final Notice," but pink is angrier than yellow, and this one's still saying, "Please."
Quote from Hal
Hal: Ooh! Sorry, Officer. Excuse me.
Police Officer: You in a hurry?
Hal: You know, busy day. You understand.
Police Officer: Is that your backpack?
Hal: Oh, uh, no, no. Absolutely not.
Police Officer: Better check it out. [unzips bag] Whoa! I think we got a bomb here. You got to get out of here.
Hal: No, I-I can't.
Police Officer: Sir, I need you to step away to a distance of at least 150 feet.
Hal: I can't do that. I'm... I'm... I'm in the bomb squad.
Police Officer: What?
Hal: That's right. You better let a professional handle this. Damn. I was a week from retirement. You get to safety. I'll take it from here.
Police Officer: Yes, sir.