Craig: [holding magazine] When will J.Lo learn? Take it from a bad boy, we're nothing but trouble.

Craig: Oh. You're buying the Tidy Winks.
Hal: Yes, and I'm in kind of a hurry.
Craig: I don't want to criticize, but I think I know why you're buying the Tidy Winks. It's the absorbency, right? People always fall for that, but what they forget is the elasticity in the legs is suspect at best.
Hal: Craig, I just...
Craig: You know, since I'm kind of little Jamie's unofficial, second alternate godfather, I've been doing some research, and I recommend you take a look at the Baby Naps. They've got this polymer-based fabric that not only has remarkable wicking capability, but actually...

Reese: Hey, we're riding in a limo we didn't pay for. We're about to make out with hot girls who don't even like us. I don't know what we are, but we are not losers.
Malcolm: Have you even thought about where this is going? Her boyfriend is Aaron Steponovich. Have you seen that guy? If he sees you kissing his girlfriend, he's going to kill you.
Reese: I know.
Malcolm: Then why are you...?
Reese: Because anything's better than the way things are now. Look... I've had this cute lab partner in science for eight weeks now. Her name is Cheryl. I finally left Cheryl a note on her desk asking her out. And when she read it, she turned to me and said, "Do you know who Reese is?" So then she goes, "Does anybody know who Reese is?" And everybody shrugged. So then I said, "Probably some nobody." And you know what? I was right.
Limo Driver: Wow. That's awful, kid. You want to wear my hat?
Reese: So tonight I'm gonna fix that. From now on, when I walk by, people are going to say, "What happened to that guy's face?" And someone's going to say, "That's Reese. He made out with Aaron Steponovich's girlfriend." And that I can live with.