Hal Quote #567
Quote from Hal in Reese Joins the Army: Part 1
Hal: What's happening? What are you doing?
Agent Stone: Wixted rolled over on you, Hal. He told us all about your offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands, altering documents, the villa, everything.
Lois: Can't he at least put some pants on?
Agent Stone: Just as soon as we get a good perp-walk out of him.
Lois: This is ridiculous! He doesn't belong in jail! He doesn't even look in the back of the TV Guide for the crossword answers!
Hal: Honey, I love you. Keep the phone bill paid so I can call you. And the trick to the thermostat is to push in before you twist it.
Police Officer: Sir, you need to stand still.
Hal: And I need a lawyer. Not Reese's. I-I want a good one.
Police Officer: Sir, you need to stop squirming.
Lois: Boys, go back in the house.
Hal: Boys, your daddy loves you very much. And don't worry about this.
Police Officer: Sir, this is your last warning.
Hal: Believe in the American Justice Sys... [screams]
Dewey: I guess Dad's a no.
Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
‘Reese Joins the Army: Part 1’ Quotes
Quote from Reese
Sgt. Hendrix: Well, troop, you've polished your boots before everyone else. How on God's good earth did you accomplish that miracle?
Reese: I just did it exactly the way you told me to. Remove laces, pull tongue forward, apply polish, pull tongue backward, buff, replace laces, repeat. I did the same thing to make my bed and secure my foot locker.
Sgt. Hendrix: Well, that's the most miraculous turnaround that I've ever seen. I want you to explain to these recruits how the worst soldier in the unit has managed to put them all to shame!
Reese: I just stopped thinking. I figured out that using my brain was the whole problem... not just here, but my entire life. If I just do exactly what I'm told and nothing else, then everything gets easy. It's not even a question of smart or dumb. You just turn yourself into a tool. I'm much happier that way. I'm the world's happiest tool.
Sgt. Hendrix: You must be proud of yourself, son.
Reese: I don't know if I am or not. I'm waiting for you to tell me.
Sgt. Hendrix: My God. A soldier like you comes along once in a thousand years.
Quote from Hal
Lois: Oh, Jamie finally fell asleep. Haven't you finished paying these bills yet?
Hal: How am I supposed to know which ones to blow off? "Ultimate Final Notice" is obviously more serious than "Absolute Final Notice," but pink is angrier than yellow, and this one's still saying, "Please."
Quote from Hal
Hal: Ooh! Sorry, Officer. Excuse me.
Police Officer: You in a hurry?
Hal: You know, busy day. You understand.
Police Officer: Is that your backpack?
Hal: Oh, uh, no, no. Absolutely not.
Police Officer: Better check it out. [unzips bag] Whoa! I think we got a bomb here. You got to get out of here.
Hal: No, I-I can't.
Police Officer: Sir, I need you to step away to a distance of at least 150 feet.
Hal: I can't do that. I'm... I'm... I'm in the bomb squad.
Police Officer: What?
Hal: That's right. You better let a professional handle this. Damn. I was a week from retirement. You get to safety. I'll take it from here.
Police Officer: Yes, sir.