Lois: You can't blame the way Francis is on me.
Hal: You- You honestly don't see your part in all of this? Parents' weekend at the military school. You two got into a sword fight. You dragged him off the field in the middle of a tee-ball game because you thought he gave you a look. His first words were, "You shut up." Lois, you two have been at each other's throats since the day he was born.
Lois: He started it.
Hal: What?
Lois: Nothing.
Hal: No, no. You said he started it. What does that mean?
Lois: Just leave me alone.
Hal: How the hell can a baby start anything?
Lois: I don't know, Hal. It's just, everything started so badly right after he was born.
Hal: What, the staph infection? What does that have to do with anything?
Lois: I was stuck in a hospital without my baby. Completely isolated. For six weeks, all I could do was lie there and-and worry about him and think about how much he needed me to nurse him and to and to hold him. And when they finally let me out, I run home as fast as I can to take care of poor little Francis, and when I get there, I discover he's happy. He couldn't have cared less I was gone all that time. You were taking care of him. He was happy as a clam. I was just an intrusion.
Hal: Honey, I had no idea...
Lois: I know it's wrong and I know it's creepy and I can't help it. I'm the worst mother of all time.

Hal: Okay, tangible assets. How do we expect to find anything? We just shove stuff in boxes. Look, there's a fortune cookie in here.
Lois: Wait, here's something we already did. This'll save time. We already decided Malcolm gets the coin collection.
Hal: Great. What coin collection?
Lois: You remember that proof set we had hidden in the closet? The one that Dewey found and swallowed...
Hal: Oh, yeah, that was 500 bucks down the drain. And not one dime in the strainer.

Hal: Why do we have to do this in the middle of the night anyway?
Lois: I will not have the boys see us writing a will. If they start thinking about a future without us, we'll totally lose control.