Malcolm: It's not funny. It's awful. I did something horrible. Don't you even care?
Hal: Well, it's nothing to be proud of, son, but you told us the whole story and he didn't give you much choice. It was an honest beating mistake.
Reese: Besides, it sends a good message to our enemies.
Malcolm: What are you talking about? What enemies?
Reese: Oh, they're out there. And once they know we're capable of this... they'll know we're capable of anything. [birds squaw]
Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, so it's not just me, right? There's something seriously wrong with this family.

Spangler: Men, most of you are at an age where your bodies have undergone significant... changes. While the benefits of increased muscle mass and a more authoritative speaking register are plain... these changes can produce certain negative desires. Now, we used to handle it with cold showers and regularly scheduled beatings but... sadly, times have changed and I am forced to rely on a less effective option: education. [changes slide] Pretty, isn't she? Perhaps her name is Mary or Wendy or Becky Lou. It doesn't matter because her real name... is disease. [changes slide] Not so pretty anymore, is she, men? Chancres... lesions... furuncles... Such is the price of weakness.
Francis: I can't believe they're swallowing this.
Stanley: Standard technique. Generate a fear response make the brain more receptive.
Francis: I don't care. Spangler has ruined everything in our lives. Now he has to ruin sex?
Spangler: Now, remember every one of these diseases can easily be transmitted to you. [boys groan]
Adam: Excuse me, sir? Isn't that slide upside down?
Spangler: No, son. No, it isn't.

Malcolm: [trumpet plays] We're gathered here today to say good-bye to Jumpy Number Eight.
Dewey: Nine.
Malcolm: Nine. He was a good... Nine? Are you sure, nine? [Dewey nods] Anyway, he was a very good frog. And he led a very full life.
Reese: I remember when I stuck him in Mom's sun visor and she almost hit that lady in the crosswalk. It was hysterical.
Malcolm: Farewell, Jumpy Number Nine. We know you're going to a better place.
Dewey: [salutes] Bye, Jumpy.
Malcolm: Dad?
[Hal lights the rocket to which Jumpy is taped, sending it up into the air with a pop]
Reese: May he rest in pieces.
Malcolm & Dewey: Amen.