TV Quotes

Robin: "Dear Diary. It is day four on this island, which the natives have dubbed "Long Island," perhaps referencing how each hour here feels like it may never end. So far, they have welcomed me and given me a rare glimpse into their bizarre way of life. By 'entertainment,' they mean table shuffle board, macramé classes, and other non-stimulating activities which are only used in Manhattan to calm down drug addicts and the criminally insane. A preliterate society, their menus display pictures of the food they offer, everyone is forced to sing 'Happy Birthday' four or five times a meal, and dessert has fireworks in it. In their lairs, they often don a primitive shroud called a 'Snugget,' and it is not uncommon for them to go to sleep before 9 p.m., fearing, as they do, the night. Also Diary, I think writing in you is stupid, but you were a gift from Lily, and she's watching me right now."

Ted: "Dear Lily and Marshall, I don't know if you know this, but I never took your names off the lease. Well, today I took my name off it. The apartment is now yours. And I think I finally figured out the best thing to do with Robin's old room. See, for me, this place has begun to feel a little haunted. At first, I thought it was haunted by Robin, but now I think it was haunted by me. Well, no ghost is at peace until it finally moves on. I need a change. And I think you do, too. This apartment needs some new life. So, please, make our old home your new home. It is now ghost-free. Love, Ted."

Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.

Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Barney: Jesus.
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.