Barney Quote #1559
Barney: Oh, guh! Hurricane dookied in her drawers. Ha-ha! Poopy pants!
Lily: She needs a new diaper.
Barney: Right. Where do you keep your diapers?
Lily: We don't have any.
Barney: You don't... Wow. Okay. [scoffs] I guess I'll go buy some. You're gonna be a mom and you don't have any diapers? Lord, watch over that child.
Quote from Marshall
Future Ted: [v.o.] That's a funny story. Marshall was fed up with his job at GNB and was thinking about leaving it all behind, so he and Lily agreed he should wait for a sign from the universe to tell him what to do. Then one day...
[flashback: Marshall is on the street and sees a strange looking ambulance drive by. He notices a stop sign and looks across the road and sees an old fire house that's for sale:]
Marshall: Of course. It's so clear. It's been right there all along. I have to call Lily. Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. I'm sorry, but, um, can I please borrow your... Ernie Hudson?
Ernie Hudson: Yes.
Marshall: Can I borrow your phone?
Ernie Hudson: Who you gonna call?
Robin: And did Marshall become a Ghostbuster?
Marshall: That firehouse is still for sale.
Lily: Even Ernie Hudson begged you not to go through with that.
Marshall: Ernie Hudson is a coward!
Quote from How I Met Everyone Else
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Quote from The Three Days Rule
Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.