Ted Quote #113
Ted: I realize why I'm still single. I'm picky. I'm not going to settle. If I'm going to marry someone, she has to be perfect.
Lily: Well, what's perfect?
Ted: It's not like I have a list.
Robin: Oh, yes, you do.
Ted: Attractive, college-educated, she wants two kids: a boy and a girl.
Lily: That's not hard. I know at least...
Ted: I'm not done. She likes dogs, Otis Redding, does the crossword. She's into sports, but not so much so that her legs are, like, more muscular than mine. That weirds me out. And she plays bass guitar like Kim Deal from the Pixies.
Marshall: Or Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth.
Ted: Any Kim from any cool band, really. Can't be too picky.
Quote from Marshall
Ted: All right, so, Barney, are you doing this or what?
Robin: Oh, geez, Barney, don't do this.
Barney: I have to, it's my birthday present to Ted.
Marshall: You don't have to. Please, it's going to be embarrassing and we're going to have to stop coming here, which will suck. In addition to probably being kind of healthy.
Ted: Come on, Marshall, it's the greatest pickup line of all time. Barney.
Marshall: Oy, gevalt.
Quote from Barney
Barney: Uh, excuse me, has anyone ever told y... Oh, my God.
Barney: Oh! Call an ambulance!
Woman: What's going on?
Barney: Try not to speak. Here, sit down. Just don't talk, don't talk.
Waitress: Is she okay?
Barney: I'm serious, call 911.
Woman: What's wrong? What's the matter?
Barney: Shh! Shh! Just don't move. Don't move. Just try... Here, have some water. Water! Here, drink this. Shh! Shh!
Robin: You know, the more I watch this, the less convinced I am that it's the greatest pickup line of all time.
Ted: Wait for it.
Quote from Intervention
[flashback to Marshall arriving at the apartment as Ted stacks books on a shelf:]
Marshall: Hey. What's that?
Ted: A 1986 World Book encyclopaedia. [en-sahy-kluh-pay-dee-uh] It's exactly the one I grew up with.
Ted: Oh, you think it should be pronounced encyclo-pee-dia. It's a common mistake. But if you look at that squished together "ae" symbol in this here encyclopaedia, you'll learn that it's a ligature derived from the Anglo-Saxon rune...
[The bookshelves collapse, ripping off a portion of plasterboard and exposing the building's red brick walls]
Marshall: You know, you're gonna have to paedia for that.
Quote from We're Not From Here
Ted: New Jersey is not "pretty much New York". You are not "pretty much New Yorkers".
Colleen: And how would you know?
Ted: Because I live here. That's right. I live here. Yes, we're full of crap. Yes, we pretended to be from out of town so we could sleep with you and leave in the morning. But you know what's even worse than that?! Saying you're a New Yorker when you're not. Because, this is the greatest city in the world and you have to earn the right to call yourself a New Yorker. So why don't you girls crawl into the open sewer pipe you call the Holland Tunnel and flush yourselves back to "pretty much New York"? Because I will do a lot to get laid, but I am not going to New Jersey!