Tim Quote #1327
Quote from Tim in He Ain't Heavy, He's Just Irresponsible
Tim: Where are you going?
Jill: Well, I have to finish this paper by this Friday. If I don't get it done by then, I'm gonna be digging myself into a big hole.
Tim: So you could understand how that sort of thing might happen?
Jill: Tim, there's a giant hole in the floor.
Tim: Oh, that's not a giant hole. The Grand Canyon would be a big hole. That...
Jill: You told me the hole was gonna be this big.
Tim: Well, it is this big. I started right here, but I had to move the water pipes over just to get the... [continues talking]
Jill: The same old story every time. You come up with some idiotic idea, I say no, you make a pathetic little face, then I give in, and before I know it, you're pulling up the floor.
Tim: ...I pull up the floor.
Home Improvement Quotes
‘He Ain't Heavy, He's Just Irresponsible’ Quotes
Quote from Tim
Tim: Well, you spend all the time you want polishing your family jewels. But that's not what we're talking about, we're talking about car finishes. As you can see, we've got several hoods out here. As a matter of fact, there's a couple of hoods backstage waiting for Al. He's apparently a little late on his flannel payment.
Al: You know, one of these days you're gonna run out of flannel jokes.
Tim: Oh, I don't think so, Al. Not with my Complete Flannel Joke Book. "Why did the flannel cross the road? 'Cause Al was over there." "Hey, waiter, there's a fly in my flannel." "Please, take my flannel." [Al takes the book] There's also the handy wallet-size version. "How do you keep an idiot wearing flannel in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow."
Quote from Marty
Tim: I'm really glad you showed up.
Marty: Yeah, you missed me, huh?
Tim: No. if you hadn't shown up, Jill would still be chewing me out over this little hole. She will not fight in front of company. So as long as you're here, she won't yell at me.
Marty: Man, I wish Nancy was more like that. She doesn't care who's around. Remember she yelled at me at Uncle Henry's memorial service?
Tim: Marty, you lost the man's ashes.
Marty: I didn't lose them. I got into the convertible...
Tim: Which was your first mistake. And you're lucky I saved your butt. Do you know how many cigars I had to smoke to make one Uncle Henry?
Quote from Al
Tim: Now, if the finish on your car is like this, in pretty good shape, what you need is a mild abrasive before you wax. For that, we recommend Binford's 2000 Polishing Compound.
Al: That's right. A dab on a soft cloth, and you'll have a shine you can be proud of. Look! I can see myself.
Tim: Okay, if you want to remove oxidation from surfaces, you need something a bit more abrasive.
Al: Like a can of Tim's personality.
Tim: Of course, a can of your personality would be empty.