Tim Quote #2313
Quote from Tim in The Wood, the Bad and the Hungry
[stop-motion dream sequence:]
Al: Welcome to Tool Time. We've got something very special to show you today. Say hello to the new Binford 6100 Toolapalooza. [whirring] It saws, it sands, it welds, it grinds. It does absolutely everything.
Tim: Not everything, Al.
Al: Huh?
Tim: Does it feed the hungry? Does it clothe the naked? Does it heal the sick?
Al: Well, I don't know. I haven't tried all the attachments.
Tim: Well, let's see for ourselves.
Al: Uh, Tim, this is a very powerful tool. You might want to be careful.
Tim: Al, I'm wood. What have I got to lose?
[As Tim plays around with the controls, the tool unleashes two saw blades and heads towards Tim. His head is cut clean off.]
Tim: [grunts] Oh, no!
Al: It's not like you ever used it.
Tim: Well, who needs a head anyway? Real charity is about giving of yourself.
[Tim's body tries to jump in the cardboard box but misses. Wilson's hand pulls him in.]
Wilson: [o.s.] In here, Tim.
Tim: Thanks, Wilson. Al, go for the three-pointer!
Al: I'm open! [shoots Tim's head into the cardboard box] Yes!
Home Improvement Quotes
‘The Wood, the Bad and the Hungry’ Quotes
Quote from Al
Ilene: I can't believe we felt sorry for him.
Al: Me neither. He's just a freeloading... scalawag!
Tim: Scalawag?! Watch your language. There's children here.
Quote from Harry
Benny: What's everybody else doing?
Marty: [stammering] I'm going to the in-laws.
Harry: Dining with my wife's evil twin.
Quote from Tim
Tim: A happy Thanksgiving to all of you. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Of course you all know my assistant, Al Borland. [cheering]
Al: Thank you. Well, Thursday is Thanksgiving. A day when a man can enjoy the companionship of friends and family.
Tim: Yeah, yeah. Yadda-yadda-yadda-yadda. To a man, Thanksgiving means two things: Really sharp knives and carving up that bird. Am I right?
Al: That's right. And today, Tim and I will introduce our first annual Tool Time turkey-carving race.
Tim: That's right. It's the Butterball... [gobbling] ...Five Hundred. And in the starting grid with us today, we have two of the fastest men. Let's give a warm Tool Time welcome to our special guests, Michael and Mario Andretti! [car revving] [cheering]
Mario Andretti: I had the line, Michael.
Michael Andretti: You squeezed me, Dad.
Tim: Michael and Mario are in town for a tribute to the late Jim Chapman, a great racing icon. OK, guys, you all set?
Michael Andretti: All set.
Al: Well, you guys may know lndy cars, but nobody can beat my bird.
Tim: [blows raspberry, laughs] Right, Al! Look at this baby. A 20-pound tom turkey, free-range, butter-injected.
[grunts]
Al: We'll see about that. Calling today's turkey race is Indy car announcer, Jack Arute.
Tim: All right! [cheering] Welcome to Tool Time.
Jack Arute: OK, gentlemen! [rock plays] [Arute] Ready? Start your turkeys! Michael Andretti is in the poultry position. But look! Mario's already got a wing off. Al's not doing bad with his bird. And Tim... is the slowest turkey-carver I've ever seen. Look at the way Michael Andretti attacks that thigh. Mario's no slouch with a drumstick. And look! Al's already down to the white meat. Folks, Tim is already out of contention...
[Tim starts carving his turkey with a chainsaw]